“You have had a blessed life,” Anthony commented with a touch of envy to me recently when I was recounting my 1970s coming out story as a gay teenager in Detroit. I was thinking about the blessing of being gay as I watched the rainbow pride flag being raised at City Hall in Foster City June 1, where it will bear witness to inclusion for the entire month.
It didn’t always feel like a blessing. I have had it a lot easier than many who struggle to accept themselves as gay. Their families and faith communities sometimes make it even harder. I had friends and teachers who supported me when I came out. I came out suddenly so I’ve never been in the closet as an adult. My dad found a magazine in my dresser that featured a racy picture of a Tom Selleck look-alike and confronted me. If it had been a Playboy instead he would have been happy. He said, “I wish we had never adopted you,“ and didn’t speak to me for 20 years. I never once went home until I was almost 40.
But my mother more than made up for this rejection. When she asked me, “Jimmy, are you a homosexual?” I wanted to die. I was so ashamed. My family was deeply religious; I feared she too would reject me. I considered lying, but I loved her too much to not tell the truth. I barely whispered, “yes,” when she hugged me and said: “Don’t let anybody ever tell you that God doesn’t love you.” Her reaction got me through a lot of challenges in the years to come.
Religion made things hard for our family, as it does for so many LGBT people. Many just give up on it, but my mother’s words kept me connected. I became a pastor in gay affirming churches, helping people who have been hurt by religion to reclaim their spirituality.
In my mother’s generation being gay was something that was seen as a sin or a sickness.
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My devout mother was a research chemist, a proud graduate of a Jesuit university, and she wasn’t afraid to let her intellect inform her faith. She sought out her old Jesuit priest instructors, who helped her find Catholic theologians who accepted the scientific basis for homosexuality. She went to gay affirming masses offered by Dignity, a group for gay Catholics and their families. She informed her own conscience and called out the church for its unwillingness to engage modern psychology. My mother spent the rest of her life being part of my life, which included my gay life. I was an activist. I survived HIV and am still going strong. She didn’t miss any of it. My dad eventually came around, and we reconciled fully. He regretted all the years he missed out on because he misused his religion as a way of justifying his unwillingness to learn and grow. I can trace the inner strength I have to face a sometimes hostile world to the unconditional love of Jacqueline Downs Mitulski, and to her deep faith, her best gift to me. As we stood together at my father’s funeral at her church in Michigan, the pastor made a point of telling me not to come to communion. I was the one who had to restrain her from making a scene on my behalf. She had become the activist that she had raised me to be.
These were my memories as I watched the pride flag being raised in Foster City. Last year, the rainbow flag was up for a week after a brief controversy. Rabbi Corey Helfand and Peninsula Sinai Congregation raised their voices alongside Island United Church to advocate for the rainbow display. Their solidarity sent a message to LGBT people that religion can be our advocate, not just our oppressor. This is the kind of solidarity we must express with the transgender community, whose acceptance remains imperiled.
I’m proud that Island United Church’s flag was used in the ceremony. I appreciate this congregation that stands for God’s all inclusive love. In my lifetime, I have seen religious groups and institutions change in a move toward acceptance we couldn’t have imagined when I was growing up.
Parents: Love your children no matter what your religion says. God is greater than religion. LGBT people: Keep the faith — the world is still changing, and we have a place in it.
The Rev. Jim Mitulski is the interim pastor of Island United Church of Foster City, co-president of the Peninsula Multifaith Coalition and a member of the San Mateo NAACP and the Peninsula Solidarity Cohort.
all those ostracized and mistreated are where in the blessing article where are all those not even mentioned here in these letters just yours ? seems that way!
I believe the children were not responding to any LG thoughts. They got a free flag. Wonder where our country's flag was? not offered for free Sunday. I didn't see any day for national flag day today . Almost like it doesn't exist truly disappointing not to acknowledge this country's flag. The pride flag was a gift to possibly expose the kids to that rainbow of many colors. Like Dolly Parton my coat of many colors my mama made for me..What about my country's flag acknowledged at the fair? my country does not recruit at fairs. We recruit at the graves iof those who served. with flags and remembrances no other comment to read anything into it but just a freebee that's all.not even acknowledged by the journal. I feel like I have to say My flag as the acknowlewdgement of the gay flag seems to be the popular thought sad really sad. Forgotten are those that gave us the right and fought for our freedom. My veterans sites on my e mail noted a happy flag day. They got it!
Dear Neighbor - There were plenty of American flags at the County Fair, including the huge one that was one of three flying at the focal point of the fair where they raised the progress flag. The town of Hillsborough is raising the flag today and I was invited to speak at their town council meeting last night. Your comment actually inspired me to start my comments by talking about my father who landed in Europe on the day WWII ended. He was sent to Dachau to guard German officers on trial for war crimes. Quite traumatic for a Jewish American soldier to be a witness to the horrors of that camp. Millions had been slaughtered because they were Jewish, gay, gypsies, socialists, people with disabilities, trans,.... Americans gave their lives to end that war and to make sure that all people, regardless of how they pray, whom they love, what their politics are, how they physically present, can feel safe and live lives that are free. Flying the rainbow flag or the progress flag is something my father and I (as a gay veteran myself) see as a symbol of freedom that so many have fought for in war, and in nonviolent resistance. I don't know your name based on the name you use for your comments, but if I did I would say your name and let you know that you are loved, our country is loved, our flag is loved, for all they represent. Every city and town council meeting I've attended starts with the pledge of allegiance. If you need a dose of patriotism I'd encourage you to attend some of those meetings. Our local governments are led by incredible people. They love our country and their communities so much that they do the hard work of keeping things running. The American flag flies over every city and town in this county, and this year, in June, a rainbow or progress flag flies with them. This patriotic U.S. military veteran, whose father and brother also proudly served, salutes them!
Thank you for your thoughts wonderful veteran history you share FYI my husband served 281/2 years as captain in the HFD. My uncle was city manager 1955 1977. we were invited to attend Anne Ritsma's friday breakfast happened to be on wildfires the urban Interface area iof wildfires ..Hillsborough has handle on the canyons etc. that bring them these no more fires now wildfires. Tom saw his colleague now the CCFD chief. Whever I see a flag my heart beats in joy to appreciate it is flying I think all this attention elsewhere has mde me super sensitive to where the flag is Nice it was flown I missed it spending my time with 4h as we have attended that fair almmost 50 years or more IN fact I was in labor there and thought my son was a corn dog that day 51 years ago. Uncle got free tickets and we got to go every year. whenever I see all this heart wrenching poor me attitude towards being gay It makes me wonder with a clergy where is your mention of the veterans serving our country why always your I came out bless me attitude seems to me a preacher represents all which I don't see here just the Me me me attitude., walk the graves of black lives matter is ther no spiritual guidance as a minister or just preach the gay flag and blessme I came out at 17. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have a vietnam vet purple heart fire service husband . I love when he see another vet the air is electric with stories..are ther no other religious sermons besides sbeing a gay person? They seem to lean to look at me I can fly my flag anywhere... and be preacher too. Just think how many council meetings my uncle ran 1955-77 that you will participate in. My aunt would say nobody leaves Hillsborough. They die. .Uncle left the legacy of retirement medical for Hillsborough only department in the Bay Area. This family has done it's service Uncle was city manager of Kobe japan after rebuild after the war member Army Corps of engineers His name is on the Belmont Slough as he was first City Engineer of San Mateo. Husband has done our obligations not entitlements over and over again. We serve with pride not just entitlements . Nice to read your veterans service I continue to swell with pride when I see my flag that belongs to us all,not just the gay community. My country its iof thee Of thee I sing..my e mail was the American Legion Ceremony retiring flags with the bonfire tradition. Remarkable learning it all every year after flag day not remembered by Daily Journal noe many people here in our own country.
S MDJournal? where is your flag this national Flag day our nation celebrates. Where are you? is this non mentionig a SMDJ policy?
Dear American Legion Family Members and Friends,
The American flag has been a constant source of inspiration throughout our nation’s history.
While the number of stars has increased over the years, so, too, have the challenges it has faced. Today, the flag still waves proudly, standing as a symbol of democracy, freedom and hope.
It’s no coincidence that our flag has helped America and its communities heal in times of distress. Our flag signaled the birth of a new nation. Restored order after the Civil War threatened our nation’s existence. Served as hope in Iwo Jima, Europe and elsewhere as the tides turned in World War II. Created unity after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11.
The American flag has been a constant source of inspiration throughout our nation’s history.
While the number of stars has increased over the years, so, too, have the challenges it has faced. Today, the flag still waves proudly, standing as a symbol of democracy, freedom and hope.
It’s no coincidence that our flag has helped America and its communities heal in times of distress. Our flag signaled the birth of a new nation. Restored order after the Civil War threatened our nation’s existence. Served as hope in Iwo Jima, Europe and elsewhere as the tides turned in World War II. Created unity after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11.
How many of the say their names group were recognized as the freedom our veterans earned in the wars ?the mention of D day recently remembered. are these soldiers ever recognized by the LG community with veteran flags and say their names with our country's flag? I would be the one looking for the 3500 flags of the soldiers that gave us the right to choose not justr advocate for their way to live an entitlement flags and names ? What about the 3500 names and each flag in the cemeteries where are they? that is what I would look for freedom for all not just my gender causes. It would be nice to se clergy remember them first after all they gave them the reight to choose they interupted their scholling, their jobs to serve did any of the Lg serve their countries causes Why dion't you cover those people not just your ways but out countries' ways. if this has not been done I would ask why nit?
As a gay veteran I can tell you that the LGBTQQIA+ people in my life, many of whom have served and many of whom have parents who served in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, know the sacrifices made by those who serve and have served. Celebrating LGBTQQIA+ pride INCLUDES our veterans.
Thanks for your testimonial, Reverend Mitulski. But why do you feel the need to put up a divisive flag when there are other groups that deserve the same sort of recognition? Straight people, Asian-Americans, Cuban-Americans, etc. Aren’t we all in this together, as represented by an American flag which unites people?
Divisive? Hmmmm........ When I was at the County Fair on Sunday raising the progressive flag I saw dozens of children happily waving pride flags that were being given out for free. Smiling, laughing, and having fun, none of these children or their parents found it divisive. As a famous musical once declared, you have to be taught to hate. Ain't nothing divisive about a rainbow unless someone teaches you different.
Mr. Wiesner, I’d posit that if you gave these children a Mickey Mouse or Winnie the Pooh flag for free, they’d also be smiling, laughing and having fun. Maybe the same result with a Gadsden or Moultrie flag, but parents may be the ones not having fun – depending on their, but not necessarily their kids, biases.
Reverend Jim - this may come as a surprise to you but growing up in the Netherlands in an extended family, one of my cousins very early on displayed a homosexual trend. As cousins and most of my aunts and uncles we just kind of accepted that and never forced him to come out of the closet. He was already there. We were generally Roman Catholics but never ostracized him then and even today. Neither of my children have shown any homosexual attributes but if they had, to this day, I would not have known how I would have reacted. Bless your parents for accepting you for what you are. It is not religion itself but how that dogma is interpreted and practiced.
Thank you for your words. After one of my brothers died of AIDS in 1986, I volunteered at Ellipse Peninsula AIDS Services, a support group for gay men with AIDS and their families. Tom Nolan, a wonderful county supervisor, opened a hospice next door as most nursing homes would not take AIDS patients (mid-80s). I met so many men who first came out to their families along with the news that they were dying. It was heartbreaking and cruel that so many parents and relatives refused to see or even speak to their sons, leaving them to die without family support. Thanks to the wonderful community of gay men and fantastic support by other women and men, they were not completely alone in that horrendous experience.
Thank you! Ellipse and Aris and other organizations that were launched to support people with AIDS were wonderful. 35 years after I came out (at the age of 27) there are still folks I met at Ellipse and Aris who are still dear to my life.
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(17) comments
all those ostracized and mistreated are where in the blessing article where are all those not even mentioned here in these letters just yours ? seems that way!
I believe the children were not responding to any LG thoughts. They got a free flag. Wonder where our country's flag was? not offered for free Sunday. I didn't see any day for national flag day today . Almost like it doesn't exist truly disappointing not to acknowledge this country's flag. The pride flag was a gift to possibly expose the kids to that rainbow of many colors. Like Dolly Parton my coat of many colors my mama made for me..What about my country's flag acknowledged at the fair? my country does not recruit at fairs. We recruit at the graves iof those who served. with flags and remembrances no other comment to read anything into it but just a freebee that's all.not even acknowledged by the journal. I feel like I have to say My flag as the acknowlewdgement of the gay flag seems to be the popular thought sad really sad. Forgotten are those that gave us the right and fought for our freedom. My veterans sites on my e mail noted a happy flag day. They got it!
Dear Neighbor - There were plenty of American flags at the County Fair, including the huge one that was one of three flying at the focal point of the fair where they raised the progress flag. The town of Hillsborough is raising the flag today and I was invited to speak at their town council meeting last night. Your comment actually inspired me to start my comments by talking about my father who landed in Europe on the day WWII ended. He was sent to Dachau to guard German officers on trial for war crimes. Quite traumatic for a Jewish American soldier to be a witness to the horrors of that camp. Millions had been slaughtered because they were Jewish, gay, gypsies, socialists, people with disabilities, trans,.... Americans gave their lives to end that war and to make sure that all people, regardless of how they pray, whom they love, what their politics are, how they physically present, can feel safe and live lives that are free. Flying the rainbow flag or the progress flag is something my father and I (as a gay veteran myself) see as a symbol of freedom that so many have fought for in war, and in nonviolent resistance. I don't know your name based on the name you use for your comments, but if I did I would say your name and let you know that you are loved, our country is loved, our flag is loved, for all they represent. Every city and town council meeting I've attended starts with the pledge of allegiance. If you need a dose of patriotism I'd encourage you to attend some of those meetings. Our local governments are led by incredible people. They love our country and their communities so much that they do the hard work of keeping things running. The American flag flies over every city and town in this county, and this year, in June, a rainbow or progress flag flies with them. This patriotic U.S. military veteran, whose father and brother also proudly served, salutes them!
Thank you for your thoughts wonderful veteran history you share FYI my husband served 281/2 years as captain in the HFD. My uncle was city manager 1955 1977. we were invited to attend Anne Ritsma's friday breakfast happened to be on wildfires the urban Interface area iof wildfires ..Hillsborough has handle on the canyons etc. that bring them these no more fires now wildfires. Tom saw his colleague now the CCFD chief. Whever I see a flag my heart beats in joy to appreciate it is flying I think all this attention elsewhere has mde me super sensitive to where the flag is Nice it was flown I missed it spending my time with 4h as we have attended that fair almmost 50 years or more IN fact I was in labor there and thought my son was a corn dog that day 51 years ago. Uncle got free tickets and we got to go every year. whenever I see all this heart wrenching poor me attitude towards being gay It makes me wonder with a clergy where is your mention of the veterans serving our country why always your I came out bless me attitude seems to me a preacher represents all which I don't see here just the Me me me attitude., walk the graves of black lives matter is ther no spiritual guidance as a minister or just preach the gay flag and blessme I came out at 17. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have a vietnam vet purple heart fire service husband . I love when he see another vet the air is electric with stories..are ther no other religious sermons besides sbeing a gay person? They seem to lean to look at me I can fly my flag anywhere... and be preacher too. Just think how many council meetings my uncle ran 1955-77 that you will participate in. My aunt would say nobody leaves Hillsborough. They die. .Uncle left the legacy of retirement medical for Hillsborough only department in the Bay Area. This family has done it's service Uncle was city manager of Kobe japan after rebuild after the war member Army Corps of engineers His name is on the Belmont Slough as he was first City Engineer of San Mateo. Husband has done our obligations not entitlements over and over again. We serve with pride not just entitlements . Nice to read your veterans service I continue to swell with pride when I see my flag that belongs to us all,not just the gay community. My country its iof thee Of thee I sing..my e mail was the American Legion Ceremony retiring flags with the bonfire tradition. Remarkable learning it all every year after flag day not remembered by Daily Journal noe many people here in our own country.
good point about flag day.
S MDJournal? where is your flag this national Flag day our nation celebrates. Where are you? is this non mentionig a SMDJ policy?
Dear American Legion Family Members and Friends,
The American flag has been a constant source of inspiration throughout our nation’s history.
While the number of stars has increased over the years, so, too, have the challenges it has faced. Today, the flag still waves proudly, standing as a symbol of democracy, freedom and hope.
It’s no coincidence that our flag has helped America and its communities heal in times of distress. Our flag signaled the birth of a new nation. Restored order after the Civil War threatened our nation’s existence. Served as hope in Iwo Jima, Europe and elsewhere as the tides turned in World War II. Created unity after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11.
Dear American Legion Family Members and Friends,
The American flag has been a constant source of inspiration throughout our nation’s history.
While the number of stars has increased over the years, so, too, have the challenges it has faced. Today, the flag still waves proudly, standing as a symbol of democracy, freedom and hope.
It’s no coincidence that our flag has helped America and its communities heal in times of distress. Our flag signaled the birth of a new nation. Restored order after the Civil War threatened our nation’s existence. Served as hope in Iwo Jima, Europe and elsewhere as the tides turned in World War II. Created unity after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11.
How many of the say their names group were recognized as the freedom our veterans earned in the wars ?the mention of D day recently remembered. are these soldiers ever recognized by the LG community with veteran flags and say their names with our country's flag? I would be the one looking for the 3500 flags of the soldiers that gave us the right to choose not justr advocate for their way to live an entitlement flags and names ? What about the 3500 names and each flag in the cemeteries where are they? that is what I would look for freedom for all not just my gender causes. It would be nice to se clergy remember them first after all they gave them the reight to choose they interupted their scholling, their jobs to serve did any of the Lg serve their countries causes Why dion't you cover those people not just your ways but out countries' ways. if this has not been done I would ask why nit?
As a gay veteran I can tell you that the LGBTQQIA+ people in my life, many of whom have served and many of whom have parents who served in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, know the sacrifices made by those who serve and have served. Celebrating LGBTQQIA+ pride INCLUDES our veterans.
Thanks for your testimonial, Reverend Mitulski. But why do you feel the need to put up a divisive flag when there are other groups that deserve the same sort of recognition? Straight people, Asian-Americans, Cuban-Americans, etc. Aren’t we all in this together, as represented by an American flag which unites people?
Divisive? Hmmmm........ When I was at the County Fair on Sunday raising the progressive flag I saw dozens of children happily waving pride flags that were being given out for free. Smiling, laughing, and having fun, none of these children or their parents found it divisive. As a famous musical once declared, you have to be taught to hate. Ain't nothing divisive about a rainbow unless someone teaches you different.
Mr. Wiesner, I’d posit that if you gave these children a Mickey Mouse or Winnie the Pooh flag for free, they’d also be smiling, laughing and having fun. Maybe the same result with a Gadsden or Moultrie flag, but parents may be the ones not having fun – depending on their, but not necessarily their kids, biases.
Taught to hate/ That comes easy. The hard part is teaching to love.
Reverend Jim - this may come as a surprise to you but growing up in the Netherlands in an extended family, one of my cousins very early on displayed a homosexual trend. As cousins and most of my aunts and uncles we just kind of accepted that and never forced him to come out of the closet. He was already there. We were generally Roman Catholics but never ostracized him then and even today. Neither of my children have shown any homosexual attributes but if they had, to this day, I would not have known how I would have reacted. Bless your parents for accepting you for what you are. It is not religion itself but how that dogma is interpreted and practiced.
Rev. Jim, thank you for your words of encouragement for all who have been ostracized and mistreated in the name of the Lord,
Thank you for your words. After one of my brothers died of AIDS in 1986, I volunteered at Ellipse Peninsula AIDS Services, a support group for gay men with AIDS and their families. Tom Nolan, a wonderful county supervisor, opened a hospice next door as most nursing homes would not take AIDS patients (mid-80s). I met so many men who first came out to their families along with the news that they were dying. It was heartbreaking and cruel that so many parents and relatives refused to see or even speak to their sons, leaving them to die without family support. Thanks to the wonderful community of gay men and fantastic support by other women and men, they were not completely alone in that horrendous experience.
Thank you! Ellipse and Aris and other organizations that were launched to support people with AIDS were wonderful. 35 years after I came out (at the age of 27) there are still folks I met at Ellipse and Aris who are still dear to my life.
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