I hate ‘Love Actually’

I know this makes me a bad person in some people’s eyes but the fact that this horrible and horrifying movie persists in our culture and is even making headway in becoming part of the Christmas rotation might be a signal of the overall near end of our society.

Rome had the overexpansion of its empire, the dinosaurs had their meteor, we have the continuation of “Love Actually.”

“But it’s cute, so romantic and real,” some might say. But it’s not. It’s the opposite. It’s creepy and weird.

Let me explain.

First, there is the awful song, intended to be awful, but still awful, “Christmas is all around.”

Then there is the best man at a wedding who is actually in love with the bride, even though he acts like he doesn’t like her. He takes a video of the wedding, and focuses solely on the bride, and when she (Keira Knightly) watches it, she says awfully, “They’re all of me,” supposedly understanding that he loves her. Then the dude decides to show up outside her house with a boom box and cue cards professing his love. This is his best friend’s wife. He was the best man at their wedding. Who would do any of this? A creep.

Then there is the guy (Colin Firth) who finds out his girlfriend is having sex with his brother and then falls in love with a housekeeper who doesn’t speak English and with who he cannot actually communicate. They get engaged despite never actually sharing any conversations with each other. This doesn’t happen for real. It’s weird.

Then there is the seemingly happily-married man (Alan Rickman) whose secretary is kind of into him and gets close during a company Christmas party while asking for a present. So, of course, he goes to a jewelry store to get her a necklace that he leaves in his pocket and his stay-at-home wife (Emma Thompson) sees it and assumes it is for her. But it’s not, she gets a CD, and they get into a fight. At least that part is real.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the U.K. prime minister (Hugh Grant) has some awkwardness between a staff member (Martine McCutcheon, I had to look this one up) and the U.S. president (Billy Bob Thornton, not believable, by the way), in which they remark poorly about her weight. Now keep in mind, this woman is nowhere near being actually heavy and commenting on a co-worker’s, or anyone’s, weight is totally wrong even back in 2003 when this movie was made. Then she gives him a Christmas card and suddenly the prime minister must have her, right then, and abuses his power of office to find her on Christmas Eve, or whenever it is. Some of this might actually happen, to be honest, but it doesn’t make it even close to right.

Then a guy (Liam Neeson) whose wife just died, I mean just died, as in days before, and his friend (Emma Thompson) is totally blasé about it. Then he focuses on trying to help his stepson get together with a classmate he likes. The inference is that the grieving stepdad may hook up with the classmate’s mother.

There are other characters and situations throughout the movie, as referenced by Thompson’s multiple scenes with others, and the idea is that this movie and its characters are all intertwined, like real life. And within all the drama, deceit, creepiness and immorality, there are a few scenes intended to be funny.

By the end, the effect I suppose is intended to make the viewer feel that life isn’t perfect, and love less so. That even the flawed can have hope and love and all that. I’ve seen some movies and TV shows with flawed characters you feel for like “The Wire,” “The Sopranos” and most Quentin Tarantino movies. At least they had depth. This low-energy movie feels like we are simply seeing hollow and weird scenes of bad caricatures acting badly. And somehow in this world of despicable and weak characters, there is the possibility of love actually. Yet, in reality, this movie is simply a house of horrors. And now, in 2023, this is supposed to be a feel-good Christmas movie?

Enough already! Retire it. Don’t watch it. Let it lie in the dustbin of all that is bad and watch something else, anything really. “White Christmas,” “The Santa Clause,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Die Hard,” “Candy Cane Lane (a new one),” “Elf,” even “The Grinch.” Anything but “Love Actually.” And don’t @ me. I’m right.

Happy holidays!

Jon Mays is the editor-in-chief of the Daily Journal. He can be reached at jon@smdailyjournal.com. Follow Jon on X @jonmays.