About the cellphonitis virus

Case history: Subject was referred to our services after "losing it” at a local supermarket.

Subject was happily shopping when he heard a man speaking quite loudly to someone with him. He thought.

The Vocal One turned into the aisle in which subject was contemplating a serious choice: "Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke?” Then he realized there was no companion with the Vocal One, who appeared to be speaking quite loudly to himself.

Subject immediately recognized the symptoms of cellphonitis. First, Vocal One was holding his left ear as if in pain, and second, subject, himself, was immediately struck with a fierce pain in his own two ears.

Subject understood that Cellphonitis is very contagious. It strikes everyone within earshot of the bearer. So, he sought to escape from the virus. He rushed off to another aisle.

But, soon Vocal One followed him, cart, cell phone smashed against his ear and all his chosen groceries.

Was there no escape? Subject rushed from aisle to aisle but that voice pursued him, endlessly. Holding his ears didn’t help.

Finally, he gave up the rest of his shopping and raced to check out.

Then, it happened. Vocal One moved in behind him in the checkout line, with hand still to ear and voice booming loud enough for all within twenty feet in all compass directions to share his conversation with his little "sweetie.”

What subject said to Vocal One is not printable in a family newspaper. Vocal One blinked and without missing a beat or removing left hand from left ear, pulled back and moved into the next lane, still speaking to the unseen recipient of his charming, albeit very loud, voice and continuing as the frustrated checkout clerk attempted to communicate with him about how he wanted to pay for his vegetables, which, in fact, were now wilting from the noise.

Conclusion: This is a contagious virus that appears inescapable for those who frequent public places.

The most severe effect of this virus upon the carrier is the delusional belief that he or she is actually in the privacy of his or her own home, office or automobile and there are no others around them sharing in their private exchanges via telephone.

A secondary effect is a socially negative one. They are not aware that they are invading the private thoughts of the multitudes about them.

A byproduct of this delusion is becoming mortally dangerous when operating vehicles. Police estimate that two-thirds of all lethal accidents occur because of this ear-holding disease that inevitably causes pain to others.

And, according to police records, the disease is even now infecting the young.

They show a fatality when an 80- year-old man was struck on the sidewalk by a 12-year-old boy on a bicycle with one hand on the handle bars and the other holding to his ear.

Suggested treatment and therapy for the subject: Tranquilizers before going outdoors, heavy earplugs and a heavy aluminum baseball bat for emergency suppression of the virus.

Keith Kreitman has been a resident of Foster City for 20 years. He is a retired musician, playwright and interior designer with degrees in political science and journalism and is now host of "Focus on the Arts” on Peninsula TV. His column runs in the weekend edition.

<