Why I hate strawberries

Then there’s the unarguable fact that they are seedy characters — literally. The strawberry just flaunts its seeds on the outside, as if everybody cares or doesn’t mind seeing its goods. Have a little decorum, for goodness sake! Do you see the cantaloupe displaying its reproductive system for all to see? At least the watermelon has the decency to not only hide its innards but offer a seedless variety, too.

Actually, one strawberry-centric Web site informed me that botanists don’t consider a strawberry a true berry because it has dry, yellow seeds on the outside which is each considered a separate fruit. See? Strawberries are lugging around more dependents than they realistically should, siphoning off the garden’s resources as though they are entitled to the sunlight and fertilizer.

I’m also bothered by the way strawberries ingratiate themselves into other flavors and food items as if they have the right to be there. Lemonade? Margaritas? Both perfectly fine on their own without a strawberry elbowing in, usually bringing some sort of fluffy umbrella garnish with it to underscore its presence. The strawberry can be appreciated on its own — at least by those who truly for who knows what reason actually like the flavor — without squeezing in without an invitation.

The fruit fusion doesn’t even include the way the strawberry jumps into any available chocolate fondue pot or stains other offerings in a fruit salad.

Sometimes you can’t even tell if a fruit is a strawberry. Sometimes you get confused, think a boysenberry is about to pass your lips, only to bite in and ferret out the truth. It is appalling how you can’t tell by looking anymore. Something should be done to better segregate these berries before they become all cross-pollinated and mixed-flavors.

Sadly, I believe hate is a two-way street with strawberries, or at least a thick divide between those who adore the fruit and those who’d rather order a cheese plate after dinner.

The same cyber-strawberry site that enlightened me about the seeds noted a national survey that labeled lovers as "health conscious, fun loving, intelligent and happy.” The rest of us, however, were deemed "weird, boring, stuffy — picky, fussy eaters who avoid healthy foods.”

I find that attitude simply wrong. I argue the non-lovers are unique and willing to withstand widespread ridicule. Strawberry fans, however, are obviously easy to coerce. How else do you explain the legions of people who claim they are the best thing on earth?

Sadly, we are just victims of reverse berry-ism. It is somehow perfectly fine for somebody to incredulously question how I could not like strawberries. Am I strange? Was I dropped on my head as a child? Did I have some earlier trauma involving unripened fruit? But, hypocritically, who do I think I am if I ask somebody about an aversion to spinach or mangos?

The strawberry has brainwashed society into crowning it the king of fruits and us minorities who dare disagree should kiss away any thought of a career with any gardening or cooking magazine — that is unless we find an editor and publisher who willingly allows an anti-strawberry diatribe on its pages.

Michelle Durand’s column "Off the Beat” runs every Tuesday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 102. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.