There is a scene in Season 2, Episode 20 of Larry David’s inimitable sitcom “Curb Your Enthusiasm” in which David passes a man he vaguely knows on the street, greets him casually, and then intentionally continues walking to avoid the nascent conversation. After the fact, David absolves himself, claiming that he didn’t know the man “well enough for a ‘stop and chat.’”
As a general rule, I don’t take social cues from Larry David. But I wholeheartedly agreed with his distaste toward “stop and chats” — his moniker for the five-, 10-, even 30-minute conversations that develop when a “hello” or a wave feels rude or dismissive. Stop and chats happen everywhere: on the sidewalk, at the coffee shop, in the drive-thru line, at the drugstore. For most people, they are sometimes painful, often no more than small talk, and almost always a bit uncomfortable. For me, they are always painful, can barely be categorized as small talk, and are far more than a bit uncomfortable.
Among friends, I’m infamously bad at exchanging pleasantries. I am the person who crosses the street to avoid passing by classmates who are more like acquaintances, and I will turn my grocery cart around to avoid a head-on collision with a classmate in the aisles of Trader Joe’s. I’ve always wished there were standardized rules for engagement: who are you allowed to wave at, who deserves a smile and head nod, when should you move beyond a casual “sup” and stop for a conversation? Really, I have always prayed for a communitywide consensus that we were better off ignoring one another and preempting the awkwardness.
My parents, on the other hand, are masters of the stop and chat. My dad is friends with each waiter at our regular haunts, the baristas who make his morning coffee, and every member of his lunchtime swim team. He will spend 10 minutes at the register or on the pool deck checking in on their kids, their hours and their marriage. In fact, he’s often better at making conversation with my friends than I am. My mom, likewise, can spend hours walking the track with a parent she barely knows, and will talk up a storm in Lunardi’s while I shuffle my feet awkwardly beside her, inclining my head toward the exit.
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All this to say that when Larry David bemoaned the stop and chat on “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” I had never felt more seen.
Until this year, that is. Because I'm a senior, and because I’ll never see most of my peers and classmates again, I’ve decided to give stop and chats a second chance — if only as a social experiment.
Along the way, I’ve started to discover that, like most things, the outcome of a stop and chat is solely about the attitude with which you approach it. I’ve dropped the expectation that the conversation is a waste of my time and a chance to embarrass myself. Instead, I see an opportunity — what could be one of my last — to turn an acquaintance into a friend, to crack a joke, to learn something personal about a classmate. As I write, I’m cringing at how trite this sounds, however, it’s the truth. I’ve always wanted to be friendly and outgoing — now, I’m actually making good on that promise instead of being preoccupied with my Larry David-inspired parade of horribles.
Last Sunday, I ran into a former classmate who graduated last year. I waved and smiled first — taking the lead in a way I never would have. More importantly, I forced myself not to mutter an excuse and fast-walk my way down the street. Instead, I started a conversation. I asked about her friends and family, her plans for college, and her new job. We waxed nostalgic about struggling through physics and calculus together. My dad walked away to pop into another store but, for once, I didn’t feel lost at sea without his easy charisma. The conversation took five minutes, maximum, and then my morning continued as usual. But it wasn’t totally normal — I felt brighter, looser, more free. More importantly, it is not hyperbolic to say that I might never see my former classmate again. Now, at least, I’ll have our last stop and chat to remember her by.
Elise Spenner is a senior at Burlingame High School. Student News appears in the weekend edition. You can email Student News at news@smdailyjournal.com.
Another great column today, Ms. Spenner. Thanks for sharing your experiences and your outlook. I’d add that reading body cues, most of the time, gives one a good sign of whether one is open to chat. For instance, if you really don’t want to chat, wear something that promotes Make America Great Again and it'll alienate most of the folks in the Bay Area. For some reason, this phrase has become a bad thing… A plus - it may force others to cross the street. Win-win. If you do want to chat, I’ve found that making eye contact and waving (not necessarily flagging them down) is a good sign someone may be open to chat. But if they’re walking and not slowing down, flash them a smile and keep on walking. Again, win-win.
Good luck with this new social experiment. I’m sure that soon you’ll be friends with waiters at your regular haunts, the baristas who make your morning coffee, and other classmates. Maybe even hours walking the track with someone you barely know and talking up a storm in Lunardi’s… What would be a highly entertaining result of this social experiment is if your mom begins shuffling her feet awkwardly beside you, inclining her head toward the exit.
Depending on where you go for college you may discover that Silicon Valley is one of the least friendly places around. It's a culture shock when you visit the South in particular, where even strangers say hello on the street and strike up pleasant conversation in stores.
Hello, Elise. Thanks for writing your column on embracing the chat.
I followed your advice...
My wife and I have been attending Stanford football games for many years. We upgraded our seats a couple of years ago, and while we are close to the action now, there was a drawback. A fan with some seats next to ours is loud and carries on as if he is actually having a conversation with the head coach. That one way conversation is usually this other fan expressing his displeasure with play calling and what he believes are the coach's shortcomings. It matters none that Stanford hired a new head coach this year.
Sometimes it's like a radio station playing and you cannot change the channel. The fans in our section either roll their eyes or shake their heads when this other fan starts yelling at Stanford's head coach.
I have decided to ignore this guy, and just grin and bear it. Until yesterday...
I noticed the other fan was not at the game. However, at halftime, he showed up. I looked over... embraced the chat... and mentioned that Stanford played well in the first half. His eyes lit up as I recapped the first 20 minutes of the game. That could have been the end of the conversation with "Ken" but I casually mentioned that my team, Navy, had lost earlier that Saturday afternoon. Now, Ken really became animated... he was also a Navy veteran. We discovered that we were both Navy pilots. Ken served in the Vietnam era, and I flew during the height of the Cold War. We exchanged some stories about flying in the Western Pacific decades ago as Oregon kept rolling up points on the scoreboard. We shook hands at the end of the game and parted after saying we'd see each other in late October when the Washington Huskies roll into town.
A new friend... and it started by embracing the chat.
Hi Elise - your story, besides being a great column, cracked me up. I am like you because my wife, no matter where in the world, will start a conversation with total strangers. Many have an expression on their faces of disbelief and why they should even response, but in the end, they all walk away with a smile. While I am the one trying to get away. We can always use more extroverts like your parents and my wife but for me it can be a bit annoying. Oh well, it takes all kinds. Thank you for an uplifting composition.
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(4) comments
Another great column today, Ms. Spenner. Thanks for sharing your experiences and your outlook. I’d add that reading body cues, most of the time, gives one a good sign of whether one is open to chat. For instance, if you really don’t want to chat, wear something that promotes Make America Great Again and it'll alienate most of the folks in the Bay Area. For some reason, this phrase has become a bad thing… A plus - it may force others to cross the street. Win-win. If you do want to chat, I’ve found that making eye contact and waving (not necessarily flagging them down) is a good sign someone may be open to chat. But if they’re walking and not slowing down, flash them a smile and keep on walking. Again, win-win.
Good luck with this new social experiment. I’m sure that soon you’ll be friends with waiters at your regular haunts, the baristas who make your morning coffee, and other classmates. Maybe even hours walking the track with someone you barely know and talking up a storm in Lunardi’s… What would be a highly entertaining result of this social experiment is if your mom begins shuffling her feet awkwardly beside you, inclining her head toward the exit.
Depending on where you go for college you may discover that Silicon Valley is one of the least friendly places around. It's a culture shock when you visit the South in particular, where even strangers say hello on the street and strike up pleasant conversation in stores.
Hello, Elise. Thanks for writing your column on embracing the chat.
I followed your advice...
My wife and I have been attending Stanford football games for many years. We upgraded our seats a couple of years ago, and while we are close to the action now, there was a drawback. A fan with some seats next to ours is loud and carries on as if he is actually having a conversation with the head coach. That one way conversation is usually this other fan expressing his displeasure with play calling and what he believes are the coach's shortcomings. It matters none that Stanford hired a new head coach this year.
Sometimes it's like a radio station playing and you cannot change the channel. The fans in our section either roll their eyes or shake their heads when this other fan starts yelling at Stanford's head coach.
I have decided to ignore this guy, and just grin and bear it. Until yesterday...
I noticed the other fan was not at the game. However, at halftime, he showed up. I looked over... embraced the chat... and mentioned that Stanford played well in the first half. His eyes lit up as I recapped the first 20 minutes of the game. That could have been the end of the conversation with "Ken" but I casually mentioned that my team, Navy, had lost earlier that Saturday afternoon. Now, Ken really became animated... he was also a Navy veteran. We discovered that we were both Navy pilots. Ken served in the Vietnam era, and I flew during the height of the Cold War. We exchanged some stories about flying in the Western Pacific decades ago as Oregon kept rolling up points on the scoreboard. We shook hands at the end of the game and parted after saying we'd see each other in late October when the Washington Huskies roll into town.
A new friend... and it started by embracing the chat.
Hi Elise - your story, besides being a great column, cracked me up. I am like you because my wife, no matter where in the world, will start a conversation with total strangers. Many have an expression on their faces of disbelief and why they should even response, but in the end, they all walk away with a smile. While I am the one trying to get away. We can always use more extroverts like your parents and my wife but for me it can be a bit annoying. Oh well, it takes all kinds. Thank you for an uplifting composition.
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