From small talk to big conversations

This is not a novel question. It is no secret we live in the era of the over-scheduled, overstimulated and overworked. Time and time again, columnists and pundits have belabored our arrival in the “age of loneliness” — one in which social media has superseded all forms of natural and spontaneous interaction. Where kids no longer play basketball and hide-and-seek on moonlit nights, where teenagers no longer weigh existential questions on the now-rusted swing sets of that same playground, where adults no longer gossip for hours on the porch.

But I don’t think romanticizing the 1950s or waxing nostalgia for our grandparents’ suburban utopia will get us anywhere. Instead, we should start thinking about how we can cultivate the same values in a society that looks completely different. 

My research started with a recent episode of the Ezra Klein podcast — a discussion with professor Sheila Liming about our loneliness crisis. Liming said the problem starts with time and space — time, in the sense that we lack free time in social situations, and space, in the sense that our communities have eschewed public spaces in favor of increased sprawl. I think that’s spot on, both for teenagers and adults. Not only are our calendars full — whether with extracurriculars or extra meetings — but we’ve replaced the spontaneity and warmth of a public space with inherently sterile digital spaces. 

Here’s how Liming phrased her succinct solution to our 21st century crisis: “Daring to do not much, and daring to do it in the company of other people.” I was caught by the word “daring” because it’s important to think about this sort of engagement as a challenge. Instead of pretending like you go out all the time, treat socializing like a goal you’re meeting, or even as a task you have to cross off your to-do list. A therapist once gave me the same advice — just as you would budget time in your day for exercise, meals, work or self-care, you should budget time for that ambiguous thing called “hanging out.” Ideally, over time, hanging out with your friends won’t need to be masterminded — but to get yourself started, it’s OK to force it a bit. Spontaneity is the end goal, but it’s also a high bar for most of us.

Here’s the catch: I’m not so sure that Liming’s solution is enough for high school students. In reality, all teenagers do is hang out aimlessly — talking, driving, FaceTiming, or Snapchating. But my sense is that these conversations hover and circle around meaningful topics without ever facing them head on. So let me get one step higher on my soapbox: I think adults are very willing to acknowledge they want meaningful connection — that’s why simply creating a physical space and carving out intentional time for those meaningful connections might work. 

But teenagers aren’t so self-aware or transparent, so I think we need to force it even more. I think parents, teachers, mentors and guardians need to arm their students with thoughtful, intentional questions to ask their friends and classmates, for those moments on FaceTime, in the car or at the lunch table. While I’m already tensing in apprehension of the inevitable awkwardness, I’m getting over my fear of vulnerability, and I hope my peers do the same. Because here’s what I’ve learned by the ripe old age of 17: We all want to share, we all want someone to listen and we all want a shoulder to lean on. Someone just needs to ask the first question.

Elise Spenner is a senior at Burlingame High School. Student News appears in the weekend edition. You can email Student News at news@smdailyjournal.com.