Taming tensions

Given the current climate in our county today, I want to end my term by sharing an important lesson I learned this year as mayor along with steps we can all take to heal our community.

As mayor, I answered hundreds of emails, presided over tense meetings, took angry phone calls, and read toxic online discussions. It’s no secret that I was the subject of a well-funded and intense smear campaign. As mayor of Redwood City and an Assembly candidate, I’ve had a front-row seat to some of the worst conflicts in our county. At times I was a passive reader, the subject or recipient of the conflict and, if I’m honest, at times, I was the person furthering the conflict. We live in a time of high conflict, an invisible hand distorting our views, a bait that lures us in that is both unhealthy and unproductive. Conflict is a trap; the worst type of muscle to build. But how do we stop getting caught up?

After I ended my campaign for state Assembly, I stumbled upon award-winning journalist Amanda Ripley’s book “High Conflict: Why we get trapped and how we get out” not long after I announced that I would end my campaign for state Assembly. Conflict is healthy but high conflict is toxic. The book explores high conflict scenarios ranging from war to divorce, to religious divisions, to gangs and, yes, even to local government. While these scenarios may appear vastly different, they share a common thread: the creation of an “us” versus a “them.” The picking of sides creates division and escalates the unhealthy conflicts infecting our society. I saw this nearly every week as mayor when two sides often blamed one another or the city for a disagreement and watched divisions within our community grow.

We have watched this play out in San Mateo as its new council, deeply divided on the issue of growth, held a filibuster until 3 a.m., avoiding selecting the new mayor. But we can all think of smaller examples from almost every facet of our daily life.

Most of us don’t start looking to pick a fight but lately, online, in our city halls and school board meetings, and even in our neighborhoods and homes, that is where we end up. This book explores how well-meaning people fall into the conflict trap and how to get out. I love it so much that I gave each member of the Redwood City Council and San Mateo City Council a copy. I hope they read it. And I hope you do too.

So what is the way out? Through listening, being curious, avoiding oversimplification, and rehumanizing, we can see “them” as “us” without compromising our values. Reflecting on my time with the city, we did some of our best work when true to this idea.

As I stepped down from the council, I was brought to tears by the tributes from two of my colleagues: Diane Howard and Diana Reddy. All three of us ran for council in 2018 in a very contentious race. Four years later, we each appreciated the strengths of the other. I know our community was better for having had our diverse viewpoints represented.

The responsibility to restore civility lies with each of us, not just our elected leaders. So this year, challenge yourself to hear someone with opinions different than your own, open your mind or repair a rift. By doing this work, we build our personal and community resilience.

While I end my role as mayor, I’ll continue that work as an engaged citizen, dedicated mother and passionate advocate. I’ll cheer for all of new leaders, our dedicated staff, our community and peace and healing of differences in the year ahead.

Giselle Hale is the former mayor of Redwood City.