What ‘It Ends with Us’ got right, and wrong

1). Realistic linkages to childhood trauma and victimhood. 

Girls who witness domestic violence as children are more likely to grow up and become victims of abuse as adults. Lily’s (Lively) frequent flashbacks to her hot-tempered, violently-abusive father drew a realistic line to Lily’s relationship with Ryle (Baldoni). In the film, we’re given insight into how Lily’s mom endured abuse, and at one point Lily even mentions having a similar tolerant disposition to her mother’s.  

Witnessing domestic violence and abuse in the home can also make it harder to spot relationship red flags or underestimate their gravity, which we see in the film. 

 2). Love bombing.

The film did a good job of showing how an abusive partner may initially appear very charming and romantic while also pushing boundaries to insert themselves further into a victim’s life.  

While it’s obvious that Lily is attracted to Ryle, she does try to get him to back off multiple times, but he continues to pursue her. 

It’s also worth noting that Ryle “chasing” Lily, even though she’s said she’s not interested, is very commonly represented in film as romantic and not a red flag. In fact, this behavior can also be seen as attractive or even expected, particularly in heterosexual relationships. However, the normalization of this encourages the disrespecting of boundaries, and it’s something we should all work together not to uplift. 

3). Sometimes hurt people, hurt people. 

While abuse is never acceptable, the representation of Ryle’s trauma is something we give the film kudos for spotlighting. We learn that as a kid Ryle accidentally kills his brother Emerson with a gun he found that belongs to his parents, and that he’s never been the same. While it’s more common to hear abusive people were themselves abused or witnessed abuse as children, the fact remains that resorting to abuse is a symptom of a larger problem or unresolved trauma.

What “It Ends with Us” got wrong.

1). Domestic violence resources are not highlighted.

By far, our number one disappointment with the film is the missed opportunity to highlight resources for survivors. Fortunately, the main character Lily has her old friend Atlas for support and even her abusive partner’s sister is there for her but, the truth is, survivors often do not have a network of support. Many have been isolated from friends and family due to their partner’s abuse, and the shame associated with abuse can also prove a high barrier to safety. 

These reasons are why visibility of services is critical and often lifesaving. With the film receiving the spotlight on a national stage, this was a major missed opportunity. 

2). Somewhat unrealistic depictions of an abusive partner’s behavior.

“It Ends with Us” is a representation of what a survivor of abuse could experience but the film could have done a better job of depicting a more common experience. For example, frequent and increasing “check-ins” by an abusive partner and invasions of privacy, such as regularly looking through a victim’s phone, are quite common in abusive relationships, as abusers will work to maintain and assert power and control. 

3). Ryle’s self-awareness felt like fantasy.

At the end of the film, it was nice to see Ryle so quickly conclude that his presence in his daughter’s life was a threat to her safety, and that he needed to remove himself.  

Unfortunately, while it is true there are abusive people who truly love their children, a realization like this from an abusive person is very rare. We hope some good came from this ending, but also worried about the unrealistic expectations with which the film could leave viewers.  

If you fear you may be in an abusive relationship, call CORA’s 24-Hour Hotline at (800) 300-1080. Our crisis counselors can help you with safety planning, emotional support and provide information on the cycle of abuse. If you determine you are in an unsafe situation, CORA may be able to help you with emergency safe housing, legal aid or mental health services as well. Finally, if you know someone who is experiencing abuse, we have resources on our website that can help you support them at corasupport.org/learn. When we work together as a community, we can overcome domestic violence and intimate partner abuse.

Charity Peets is the communications and marketing officer at CORA.