A courageous choice (to find the sweetness in absence and loss)

It can take courage and intentional choice to flip our point of view around, to allow our mindset to be both ally and friend in difficult times. At such times, cultivating pro-social attitudes and perspectives grounded in gratitude, appreciation and compassion can be profoundly helpful. Gratitude is sometimes presented as a cure-all or dismissed as a simplistic Pollyanna perspective. Yet, far from being indulgent, weak or naïve, gratitude, appreciation and compassion are courageous choices and powerful resources when the going gets tough.

Jeremy Adam Smith points to this courage when citing researcher Robert Emmons in The Gratitude Project. “No one ‘feels’ grateful that he or she has lost a job or a home or good health or has taken a devastating hit on his or her retirement portfolio.” Instead, as Smith summarizes, “gratitude becomes a critical cognitive process — a way of thinking about the world that can help us turn disaster into a stepping stone.”

These writers are pointing to an intentional shift in mindset. In the wisdom tradition of Buddhism, these kinds of intentional cognitive processes are taught as meditative practices. Being present for what is happening in the moment, each moment, is an intentional choice known as mindfulness. Mindfulness is one way to cultivate gratitude and other beneficial mindsets for surviving and thriving through difficult times.

Letting go of expectations is also helpful. My letting go of those holiday expectations about the way things should be (or should have been) allows me to appreciate — or at least notice — that this time, this moment, is happening just as it is. If I notice the details of what can be appreciated about this present moment, it is easier to feel content or OK with what is happening.

I can be grateful for what I have — the gift of each pure, clean breath of air, drinkable water, crisp blue sky or life-giving drizzle, the technology that connects me with friends and family near and far. It’s even possible to find the opportunity in the empty spaces, absences, of this current situation. For example, the absence of social gatherings can heighten a sense of appreciation for the people, connections, we have had and are missing now. Expressing that appreciation and gratitude to others can nourish and strengthen those connections, regardless of distance. As the old adage says, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Simplicity and space can provide the perspective from which to consider the blessings in our lives, so easily overlooked because we take them for granted.

It’s not so simple or easy, though, to experience — let alone cultivate — gratitude in times of active suffering or bereavement. The most beneficial immediate response in such times is compassionate, patient, attention. Meeting loss with compassion, patience and mindful presence allows grief to move through naturally. In my own experience, and that of many people I have supported as a chaplain, what can unfold when grief is allowed to fully express is the capacity to deeply feel love, and to have gratitude for life itself.

Regardless of your circumstances this holiday season, consider the possibility, the benefit, of intentionally cultivating attitudes that can be your allies. Buddhist wisdom teachings state that whatever we frequently think about, ponder, becomes the habitual inclination of our hearts and minds. Cultivating appreciation, gratitude and compassion can be powerful resources. In developing them, we can plant the seeds of beneficial ways of being with ourselves and others, regardless of whether or not we have company.

The Rev. Dawn Neal, MA, is affiliated with the Insight Meditation Center of the mid-Peninsula and a member of the Peninsula Solidarity Cohort, a group of 40 interfaith leaders working for compassion and justice in San Mateo County. She serves the community as a professional interfaith chaplain, mindfulness teacher, Buddhist teacher and scholar.