Everthing I need to know I learned – from the Scott Peterson murder trial

Which is why you should never kill anybody cuter than yourself with a smile that could light up most of California. The deck is already stacked against you.

Grown men do wear makeup outside of glam-rock hair bands and drag queens. They're called television anchors and tend to be more orange than your average Oompa-Loompa. Shiny male noses everywhere, behold the man-pact!

Speaking of orange, avoid chlorine strong enough to bleach hair. It did nothing for Scott Peterson's hairstyle, let alone his alibi.

Never smile at vigils even if you're thinking about your mistress. It's just in poor taste.

Never leave your pregnant wife on Christmas Eve. Or, ever.

Mothers worldwide have spent generations warning about the benefits of clean underwear just in case of an accident. That clean undergarment admonishment now extends to hampers. You never know when police officers will be rummaging through it.

When one's spouse goes missing he or she might want to return to the home and car they know. Especially the specially decorated nursery.

Blind dates shouldn't start off with champagne and strawberries. Etiquette dictates alcohol and fruit should be left until after at least one of the parties divorce.

Never admit "The Shining" is your favorite flick.

When asked to make a life or death decision, don't rock the boat.

Shoulder pads are not dead. Just look at Gloria Allred.

Never confuse fishing with golf. And, if you are an avid fisherman, make sure your wife and in-laws know that long before it becomes an alibi.

Freshwater tackle is not the best thing to bring to the San Francisco Bay if you really plan to catch some fish.

For that matter, bodies are less likely to wash up when dumped in the ocean than the shallower bay. They're even less likely to be found in a landfill but I must wait until the Mark Hacking trial for that important lesson.

Forget the Atkins Diet and Weight Watchers. The best way to drop pounds appears to be a year in the county jail. It also cuts down on the risk of skin cancer.

Men shouldn't try buying vehicles in their mother's name unless the moniker is akin to Alex, Pat, Terry, Lee. The Boy named Sue story only works for Johnny Cash.

Never lie to Diane Sawyer. The woman not only has better lighting than anybody else in America, she also carries more credibility than most of us.

Only bonafide celebrities get away with murder, not regular folks elevated by a crime-hungry society.

Never hire a defense attorney who once denounced you on cable television or who refers to you as a "14 karat ass-" in his closing arguments.

There is no such thing as an appropriate retirement age. Look at Judge Delucchi.

Truth is stranger - or at least more salacious and entertaining - than fiction.

It only takes a few hours to post a Scott is Guilty T-shirt on eBay.

War and world leaders will always take a back seat to true crime. Arafat who?

Sometimes justice does prevail.

Michelle Durand's column "Off the Beat" runs every Monday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 104. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.