Death doulas are a guide through death in the Bay Area

Death doulas, Falk said, are tasked with making the dying process easier, more peaceful and dignifying, and creating an open and supportive environment for discussions and addressing complex family dynamics and concerns. The ultimate goal is to ensure the client’s wishes are understood and respected throughout the dying process, Falk said.

Falk, Elizabeth Wong and Mary Alden, the three faces of Beacon Light Doulas, came to the field from varying backgrounds. Alden brought with her 30 years of experience helping older adults navigate senior housing, care homes, senior and adult day care centers, nutrition and other education programs. She also spent more than a decade working part time with the Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford University — where her son was provided lifesaving cardiac care — as a parent advisor and family-centered care educator.

Wong, a registered nurse since 2003 supporting women through childbirth, found her way to end-of-life care after struggling to discuss the issue with her aging mother. She earned her death doula certificate in 2018 through Doulagivers Institute.

Falk had dedicated 20 years to being a birth doula, supporting women before, during and after birth, before she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2017. Shortly after, Falk began studying end-of-life care and became curious about how birthing and dying — and the systems around the two life events — were similar.

Cancer was isolating and confusing, Falk said, noting many pregnant people also experience the same feelings when attempting to navigate the birthing process. By 2019, she was a certified death doula through Doulagivers Institute and around the same time she met her soon-to-be business partners, Wong and Alden.

“My diagnosis changed the way I saw the world,” Falk said. “We really put our noses to the grindstone to figure out what the biggest gaps in care were surrounding end-of-life. Because we knew there were so many gaps in care around pregnant people and families, we figured there were gaps with end of life.”

Informed by their individual backgrounds, Falk, Alden and Wong lead separate arms of the company. Falk largely focuses on helping clients craft personalized vigils and legacy work while Alden supports clients with hospice care and placement and navigating grief, and Wong spends much of her time advocating for education and outreach around death, hosting regular Death Over Dim Sum events and other speaking engagements catering to Asian communities.

Discussing death and end-of-life care can be daunting, Falk acknowledged. The subject is often avoided in American culture, funeral expenses can be costly and losing a loved one is heartbreaking, she said. Even years into the work, Falk said she still sometimes struggles with the job given how close she becomes with clients.

What helps, Falk said, is to think of death as a return to home. Just like when a new baby is welcomed into the world surrounded by loved ones, Falk suggested dying could be the same, noting many often lose fear at the time of death and reach out to loved ones.

Falk and her colleagues also recommend beginning conversations about death as early as possible. Card games can be used to breach the discussion with children, she said. The earlier the conversation is had, the sooner people can begin weighing their post-death options including new green burial alternatives, Falk added. Those discussions, she said, also often lead people to reflect on their lives and possible regrets, putting them on track to make amends before time runs out.

“I think the earlier the better,” Falk said, noting death doulas do not assist with traditional funeral services. “The earlier we get started the more time we get to reflect on what our wishes will be.”