Marriage rights versus marriage rites

What would make the occasion sweeter, according to her mother, Ramona, is if five days later the Board of Supervisors publicly and unanimously back a state bill proposal that would let her two mothers marry.

When meeting Marina, two things leap to mind: first, that somebody half your age has accomplished more than you ever will; second, that she deserves nothing but the best out of life. That best includes two married parents, without the constant nagging worries that one might be deported, that the death of her biological mother would legally orphan her that her family is considered less than any other.

The issue of gay marriage - or any alternative issue, really - is usually met with "Ew" by those who don't like it or a roll of the eyes by those who don't understand. They picture leather-clad bikers at pride parades or long-haired hippies chewing on granola and preaching free love. They think their neighborhood will become a Castro District clone draped in rainbow flags or that the head of the PTA will toss her nuclear family if they accept two women or two men together as ordinary.

What they should picture instead is a 16-year-old honor student with a boyfriend whom most parents would love their children to emulate. Marina is normal. She plays soccer, hangs out with friends, gets cranky, gives out hugs and jokes about the cuteness of Gavin Newsom. She is, in a word, normal. And by being so, she illustrates that her two moms are normal, too.

On March 24, Marina Gatto will be lauded for the things she does that aren't normal for a teenager - her tireless work on behalf of equality, marriage and various issues in the LGBT community. With the honor, the county - through the Commission on the Status of Women - are announcing how remarkable they find the girl with the curly hair and infectious smile.

What Marina really wants, though, is the county to talk through its actions and not just its words. She doesn't hide the fact that she wants the award to be something other than lip service.

On Tuesday, March 29, the entire Gatto family wants the Board of Supervisors to vote on a resolution in support of AB19, the marriage equality bill by Assemblyman Mark Leno, D-San Francisco. Any action is symbolic; the county can't force state lawmakers to adopt the bill. But they certainly can send a message.

Maybe the county doesn't need to speak up to the political higher ups. After all, current Assemblyman Leland Yee, D-San Francisco, is a co-author of AB19 and both Sen. Joe Simitian, D-Palo Alto, and Assemblyman Ira Ruskin, D-Redwood City, have voiced their support. Maybe the state representatives need actually to send word back to the county.

San Mateo County has always prided itself on being innovative and liberal. After all, it adopted gun show bans and financial privacy bills when the state refused to step up. It promoted needle exchange programs and medicinal marijuana studies. Last week, the County Counsel's Office asked a juvenile judge to circumvent state law by opening up closed juvenile dependency hearings. The county is not one to rest on its laurels.

Marina Gatto wants to see the same snowball effect from county idea to statewide law to national consideration for same-sex marriage. She must ace her high school government classes; she understands how grass-roots efforts can be effective and how those who always wait for somebody else to make a move are usually left disappointed.

She will probably understand, too, that the bill, according to the supervisors, is unlikely to come before the board any sooner than April due to the process it must travel. First to a legislative committee of supervisors Rich Gordon and Mark Church, then - if they agree - to the board as a whole. Gordon, an openly gay man with a relationship nearing 23 years, likes the idea. Church has been quoted publicly saying he doesn't. It may be for an individual supervisor to take the initiative. But who? Gordon wants to know there is support from the rest of the board first. Supervisors Rose Jacobs Gibson and Adrienne Tissier have not publicly endorsed the idea nor said they are willing to look in the face of Marina Gatto and say no.

If they haven't decided, they need to think about Marina and Rich and every other constituent who wants the same benefits, rights and respect as heterosexual couples. Then they need to set aside religious convictions and preconceived notions while reading Leno's bill. It worked for Supervisor Jerry Hill.

Hill hadn't given the matter much thought. By his own admission, he is a "middle-aged heterosexual with a puritanical background." He thought maybe civil unions would work or something that gives same-sex couples the exact benefits of marriage without using that same term. But last weekend he actually read Leno's bill and earlier this week talked to Marina.

He harkened back to his U.C. Berkeley history classes to remember that the colonies were formed by people looking for freedom from religious constraints.

"It really was an epiphany ... It just became clear to me that this was the right thing to do as an American," Hill said.

He even decided the term "marriage" didn't have to be religious. Like Gordon says, "marriage rights" don't have to equal "marriage rites." And, he said, just like the racial civil rights movements showed, separate but equal actually translated into separate but almost equal.

Or, in the blunt words of Ramona Gatto, "It's like being told to go sit in the back of the bus, but hey you can wear a pretty dress."

It's time for the county to tell them and every other alternative family they deserve to sit anywhere they want. And they can wear a wedding dress, too.

Michelle Durand's column "Off the Beat" runs every Monday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 104. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.