Life with Father

One evening near the ranger program area where children like to play while their parents chat or wait to get into the restaurant, I noticed a father with a toddler in each hand joyfully leaping from the stage onto the ground (about 12 inches). Over and over again they enthusiastically repeated the jumps. After one child slipped and bumped his shin, Daddy sympathetically brushed away his tears. Soon mother called them to dinner and off they merrily skipped.

Soon a baby’s loud cry caught my attention. Storming out of the bar came a man holding a screaming baby of around a year old on his hip, facing out — a drink and a cigarette in the other hand. The father was obviously angry — seemingly incensed that his “happy hour” had been interrupted by that “awful brat.” He obviously was not interested in comforting the child.

The next day I noticed a man and a small girl sitting on a large rock next to a meadow that had been roped off for preservation and renewal. Dad (I assumed) was telling the girl why she shouldn’t play in that meadow or pick the flowers. Then, when a big blue jay brazenly hopped close to them, possibly hoping for a crumb of the cookie the child held, they marveled together about the bird.

At another time, I noticed a young boy and his father sitting near the pool, apparently waiting for someone. The child picked up a stick that he immediately transformed into a “firearm.” Wildly waving the stick in the air, he shouted, “Bang, bang, Daddy! You’re dead.” “Look,” said Daddy, “Shoot that bird up there.” Then, “Shoot that squirrel. Get that other bird.” Mother arrived and, as the three walked away, the boy continued his imaginary slaughter.

Of course, I have no way of knowing what kinds of parents these men were at any other time, but I think my brief observation of their behavior gave a pretty good clue. At least these children had their fathers in their lives, unlike many who have been abandoned by their dads in one way or another, but, of course, there is more to it than that. As Pruett wrote: “The bottom line, documented over and over again, is that the degree of involvement of father with sons and daughters is solidly associated with self-esteem measures in older adolescents.”

Among other things, a competent father is one who feels good enough about himself so that he doesn’t see his children merely as some kind of status symbol or an impediment to his personal interests. He’s happy to give of himself and his time to contribute to his children’s healthy growth and development and is willing to learn in the process. He has grown up enough so that he is not childish or hung up on authority and therefore can be patient, kind, understanding and supportive. Being secure in his manhood, he enables his kids to look up to him as a model of responsibility, integrity, reliability and competency, yet he’s not so rigid that he cannot be playful.

Though some children apparently manage OK without the presence of their dad in their lives, in our culture we often underestimate the positive contribution that a devoted and loving father can have in all aspects of his children’s lives, including a less stressed mother. We also do not seem to take seriously the devastation fathers can wreak when they renege on their responsibilities. Competent, involved, devoted, responsible fathers who try to do their best for their children deserve all of the accolades they can get.

“The bottom line seems to be that fatherhood and fathering are enormously important, and when fathers are crippled and cast aside, serious repercussions are felt throughout the nation.” — Sylvia Ann Hewlett, “The War Against Parents.” 

Happy Father’s Day!

Since 1984, Dorothy Dimitre has written more than 950 columns for various local newspapers. Her email address is gramsd@aceweb.com.