Hair today, Dawn tomorrow

A personal favorite is hair. Human hair, animal hair, fresh hair, clipped hair, brushed hair. Any hair. Add to the fur balls all the panty hose bank robbers don’t seem to use anymore (side note: What robber thinks cross dressing or adorning oneself as a tree is a good way to stay anonymous?) and voila! Behold the latest in oil-cleaning technology known as a containment boom. As of early May, more than 200,000 pounds of hair have been donated. Maybe the environmental cleanup crew merely visited my bathtub drain after giving the dogs a bath. In any case, they stuff the pantyhose with hair and use the blobs to wipe up the oil.

Seems hair acts like an oil-attracting sponge, which explains the need for a ponytail or hat on those too-rushed shampoo days.

When that hair-raising idea didn’t solve BP-Gate, authorities went to plans B, C, D and out toward E. There was shooting mud. There was stuffing the leak full of wood shavings and golf balls. Kevin Costner — yes, he of Waterworld fame — stepped forward with some sort of oil-water separating wonder machine. A controlled burn of the wetlands, sort of like one big salty flambe dish. Now, there is serious talk of hay.

But what about kitty litter? When a freeway pileup ends with fuel stretched across the lanes, cat litter always seems to save the day. Let’s just drop tons of it in the gulf. And for those of you who say that’s a crazy idea, I’ve got one word: Hay.

Or what about dish soap? If Dawn is good enough to scrub off inky oil from the cute rescued baby birds in its commercials, wouldn’t it stand to reason a tanker full of the wonder-liquid could make a dent in the current gulf problem?

Shamwow? Super Shammy? Those magical terry towels that promise to dry one’s locks in a jiff? That would be doubly useful after rinsing out the hair booms.

Somebody suggested to me sending Hummers to the gulf. They are, after all, gas guzzlers, he said as though I’d believe any vehicle short of Herbie the Love Bug could possibly save the day.

I must move into practical ideas, such as paving over the problem entirely. Let’s turn the gulf into the latest incarnation of Foster City or Treasure Island. Think of the new land for tract housing! Think of the parking! And driving to Mexico and Central America will get a lot easier without that pesky body of water in the way — a definite plus when airline fuel prices skyrocket because of this little BP snafu.

And if all clean and contain attempts fail, let’s move and enjoy the benefits of a seemingly endless vat of oil. Stick your feet in the water for a natural pedicure or scoop up a pot full to boil pasta. You’ll never again have to decide between salt and oil in the water.

Or, better yet, chuck in some chopped baby greens, a few veggies and some balsamic.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When BP hands you oil? Make salad.

In the sea of kooky ideas, it hardly rises to the top.

Michelle Durand’s column "Off the Beat” runs every Tuesday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 102. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.