We need you

It is more than just work where I see this sense of importance playing out. My own children need the helpful ear of their grandparents to calm them down in a busy world and to help them gain perspective on their careers and relationships. These connections are symbiotic — nothing gives my parents greater joy than being counted upon as a source of wisdom and advice by their grandchildren. As Paul Simon says, we are neither rock nor island. We thrive when we live in an interconnected world.

In terms of being needed, I think the life of this generation of high school students can be tough. There are few chores to be done, fewer younger siblings to mind and jobs after school seem to be a thing of the past. Many families today can function in almost every dimension with nary a physical contribution from its younger members. With the stresses of the modern workplace, particularly here in Silicon Valley, family dynamics can result in something worse than not being needed — a sense of being unimportant or irrelevant because there’s hardly time to notice you. This happens in families who have the best intentions to provide a better life for their offspring.

While some kids thrive with independence and a single-minded focus on pursuing one’s own dreams, this journey can often feel pretty empty when it’s rooted just in oneself. I’ve seen many students over the years who lacked a sense of purpose until they were offered an opportunity that was bigger than themselves. It may have been a job or volunteer experience, or perhaps their family fell on hard times and they needed to work to contribute to the family’s income. These life experiences, even those that were perceived as setbacks or hardships, became a catalyst for a young person to feel genuine meaning and purpose in life.

I’m not sure why this generation of young people seems less happy across multiple dimensions (sadly the uptick in the number of teens reporting feeling sad and disconnected is a worldwide trend in rich countries). Perhaps our society needs to think a bit less about its young people’s accomplishments and more about how they are woven into our families, our schools and our communities. Because that’s from where their strength, and ours, will come.

We are at our best when we tell our kids that they matter — that we enjoy their company, that we relish time with them. They need to know that their family’s collective health and happiness depends upon their membership and participation. Above almost everything else, it may be that the most important thing we can say to a family member is, “I need you.”

Dr. Kevin Skelly is the superintendent of the San Mateo Union High School District.