I have plans to help save the world through fashion, or at least through a soft spot for gemstones. I'm not a fan of hemp clothing or biodegradable shoes. My shirts probably were manufactured by child labor camps in Indonesia and I'm sure my pile of lipstick containers are filled with all sorts of multi-syllabic chemicals just waiting to pollute the ocean and kill off the sea creatures. But, at least when I've drawn my last breath, I can repent for my years of eco-insensitive living by not letting my body take up any room.
Cremation is the logical answer, you say? Yes, but think one step even further - diamonds. Thanks to the creative melding of burial arts and technology, human remains can now be cremated and the ashes compressed into the carbon needed for a gem. Death becomes diamonds. No box, no urn, no plot, no anything other than a shiny rock for my loved ones to fight over and then flaunt.
Even those individuals who aren't show-stoppers in life can catch somebody's breath from the great beyond. It doesn't take a sparkling personality to evolve into a sparkling diamond. All you need is about eight ounces of ashes and a couple grand. Then voila! Behold the world's latest quarter-carat bit of ice.
Founders of company LifeGem, the force behind the finery, believe an average person has enough carbon in them to make between 50 and 100 diamonds. Who knew we all secretly had a Tiffany jewelry store?
Think about the possibilities inherent in the idea. Instead of visiting the dearly departed at cemeteries or other memorials, one need simply slip on a ring, fasten a pendant or slide in an earring - two, if multiple family members opt for the diamond send-off.
Got a backyard full of furry friends? You might have a tennis bracelet in the making. An extended family tree? Nothing says undying love like a multi-strand choker.
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If nothing else, maybe the idea will dramatically increase the United States' cremation rate which tends to hover around 28 percent. Thousands of acres of land could be preserved by avoiding burials. Even more space is saved without unnecessary mausoleums. Diamonds aren't just about glitter; in this instance they're also about being green.
People plan unique funerals and ash disposal all the time. Some, like Timothy Leary and Gene Roddenberry, ask for shipment into space. The inventor of a Frisbee-type toy asked that his cremains be formed into flying discs. Recently, gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson requested his shot from a cannon. Personally,
I always have a slight hankering for a very melodramatic Viking funeral complete with fiery barge lit by a hail of arrows scored with the very un-Viking "Carmina burana." Sadly, that is about as far from eco-friendly as one can get. So, in the spirit of this weekend's Earth Day and Harry Winston dreams, I'll stick with the diamonds.
After all, a lack of gems is never a risk due to the ballooning world population. The same can't be said for the single, fragile Earth. Scientists haven't get figured out a way to compress cremains into a new planet. So, until that happens, plotting to be a diamond is my small contribution to sustainability and the latest step in the road from Big Bang to bling-bling.
Michelle Durand's column "Off the Beat" runs every Monday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 104. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.
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