The Buffoon Ballet continued in 2024

If nothing else, the inevitable Ballet of the Bodacious Buffoons continued apace, both here in San Mateo County and elsewhere in this great land of the loon and the home of the hapless.

We highlight some of the more outstanding examples of the year’s bonehead moves and views below. It’s an annual exercise that never fails to educate, if not titillate, our vast and appreciative readership.

As the year comes to a merciful close next week, try to suppress your guffaws in public. Here goes — and, oh, St. Stupid Day (April 1) can’t come soon enough:

IS THE POPE REALLY AN INDIAN?: The artificial intelligence arm of Google, the Mountain View search engine giant, came under fire because its new image-creation service was caught in the act of failing to depict white people accurately. A lot of them. One particularly egregious example was found to be an image of the Pope as a person of Indian ethnicity. Vikings were shown as Blacks, Native Americans and Asians. Who knew?

A BURLINGAME METHANE CLOUD: An upset fellow recounted an alleged incident in a downtown Burlingame coffee shop that, he said, bordered on police action. According to the offended individual, a customer purposely directed a vile whiff of personal methane in his immediate direction. Was this an unprovoked gas attack? A prime example of decaf latte interruption? Someone, call the pollution police. Now.

GIVE THE DAILY SHOW A HOLLER: Noxious emissions, or at least the strong hint of same, were not confined to Burlingame. A Peninsula newspaper produced a thought-provoking headline on an item involving the sitting president: “Biden releases gas.” No, it did not refer to our current White House resident’s gastric issues. It involved his decision to increase the distribution of stored petrol from U.S. reserves.

IF YOU CAN, PASS THE CUPCAKES: An outraged observer called Belmont police with an urgent complaint late in the spring. The problem: A randy couple was spotted in the throes of “intimate relations” on a very public picnic table on Davey Glen Road. The female involved, reportedly, was said to be partially naked. Mercy. Can you say “suburban dessert?” Quick, pass the cupcakes.

HEY, JOEY, HOLD THE RELISH: There was concern among the avid followers of competitive eating when reigning gut-stuffing king, Joey Chestnut, was banned from Nathan’s annual Fourth of July hot dog eating contest. Why was he booted? He signed a contract with a company that makes fake meat out of vegetable matter. Hold the relish.

WACKY WEED AMONG THE GUAVAS: Some Peninsula Safeway stores promoted 20%-off coupons for a cannabis delivery service. Those retail grocery outfits don’t sell wacky weed on their own. Their produce departments provide rutabagas, scallions and the occasional guava, but not actual reefer. Cheech and Chong, come on down.

BRING ON THE PULITZER PRIZE: The San Francisco Chronicle, which still bills itself as the Voice of the West for some reason, tried to burnish its investigative journalism reputation with a helpful quiz centering on guessing one’s personality by his or her dinner order at the House of Prime Rib. The Pulitzer Prize committee has been alerted.

A CHEAP HOUSING SOLUTION: A former Caltrain executive and a contractor found a solution to the affordable housing crunch in San Mateo County. They secretly built small dwelling units within under-utilized Caltrain station structures in Burlingame and Millbrae. And you thought electrifying the rail line and adding new equipment was the only 2024 upgrade made to it.

OOPS, PAY NO ATTENTION TO US: Still on the subject of Caltrain, officials of the Peninsula rail service touted their new, electrified system and associated “green” equipment as examples of wise ways to address unwanted carbon generation. They then turned around and decided to sell their old, polluting diesel engines to Lima, Peru. Mixed messages, anyone?

You can contact John Horgan by email at johnhorganmedia@gmail.com. Lest we forget, a very Merry Christmas to one and all.