It was a wacky, wild and weird last year

Here goes. Prepare to be perplexed.

No, you can’t have our TV camera

The beleaguered city of Oakland has had more than its fair share of problems, some of them self-inflicted, many of them not. Violent crime remains at the top of the community’s biggest concerns.

Early this past summer, a TV crew from NBC Bay Area ventured there as the police chief was decrying a controversial move to cut $18 million from his latest proposed budget and funnel it to what was described as violence prevention efforts.

As a reporter tried to interview the boss of that new and somewhat vague initiative, lo and behold, a pair of armed crooks showed up to threaten the journalists. 

It was an unwelcome surprise. There was a confrontation. An armed security guard protecting the TV people managed to stave off the criminals.

Hey, someone call the cops. Oops, they’re busy. Let’s try to enroll the two would-be bandits in the crime prevention program instead. Sorry, too late. They skedaddled. Drat. The beat goes on.

Lean on me, but not too hard, dear 

Meanwhile, far away in rustic Russia, it was reported that a rather large woman accidentally (or so we are led to believe), killed her booze-addled husband by smothering him with her dreadnaught-sized buttocks during a nasty domestic dispute that escalated way out of control.

She told authorities that the entire tragedy was a sad and regrettable mistake. There was no indication that the surviving spouse, herself a reported devotee of strong adult beverages, had been part of a Putinesque version of a crime prevention program — or AA for that matter.

Would you accept a ‘6.5’ in a pinch?

Even during the waning days of the pandemic as the economy heated up dramatically, it was tough for some outfits to find people willing to work. 

A tacky cabaret in a seedy Texas town was a case in point. Out of desperation, it was forced to lower its rather lofty professional standards when it advertised for female pole dancers with a sign declaring it was seeking “perfect 10s” but would accept “8s.”

Geez, how about a “6.5” in a pinch? Maybe there’s hope for that Russian widow after all — once she’s out of rehab and off the cheap Siberian vodka.

Give this guy a supply of Depends

Some parents in San Mateo reported seeing a grown man wearing a rather large diaper and cavorting near their children in local playgrounds.

It wasn’t clear if the annoying fellow was compensating for a personal problem or if he simply yearned to be a baby again, or both. In spite of a social media tizzy at one point over our own version of Pampergate, there were no reports of an arrest or imposed confinement for the strange individual.

Thank goodness. The cops have better and more important matters to address. 

Gee, we don’t see a problem here

Guards at Corcoran State Prison were found to be just a bit lackadaisical and somewhat blasé as they performed their appointed duties.

An investigation concluded that they lacked professional focus and concentration when it was discovered that they somehow failed to notice that a prisoner had tortured, killed and beheaded his unfortunate cellmate.

This grisly fact eluded the gendarmes during regular checkups in the California lock-up for a considerable period of time. Ho hum. Just another day at the office in the Big House, apparently.

Better rethink that Tehran reservation 

A Peninsula writer, going far afield while opining on foreign affairs, offered readers this pearl of wisdom regarding preparations for a visit to Iran: “Getting in and out of Iran is usually not a problem unless the government decides to keep someone hostage for ransom.” 

Got it? Other than that, Rick Steves’ travel guides strongly recommend checking out upscale motels, rental car outfits and all-you-can-eat buffet options in downtown Tehran.

Bring along ransom cash just in case. And learn how to spell “Ayatollah.” 

You can get in touch with John Horgan by email at johnhorganmedia@gmail.com.