A while back, I was having a conversation with my uncle about feeling “inferior” as I navigate college applications and new opportunities. We talked about me and my sister, and our tendency to keep ourselves in the shadows because it feels like this is what we have been taught to do as young women. In the most unassuming, genuinely curious way possible, my uncle replied, “But where did you learn this?” I still don’t know the answer.
Of course, I have come across many movies with the heated plot between the ignorant man and strong woman, books about female empowerment, and history lessons about women who made something of themselves even when all of the odds were against them. I know all about the gender stereotypes: Women have too many feelings or not enough, they put on too much makeup or not enough, and they are too intelligent but not enough. Still, I feel like I’m not sure where I got the instinct to give in to these stereotypes, but I’ve had it all my life.
The 10-year-old me who let the boys go on the swings first even though she was at the front of the line wasn’t thinking about gender roles — she instinctively let them go in front of her because it was just the right thing to do. The male “demeanor” — which unfortunately, has hardly gotten more mature with age — is often more powerful than I’d like to admit. As someone who addresses conflict with words (a radical concept, I know), I didn’t understand the way boys handled disagreements. Whether it was sprinting to the swing set or punching one other in the senior parking lot, boys were (and in many ways, still are) a subset of society I often don’t want to mess with. I’d prefer not to have my name be brought up in their conversations, and the only way to avoid this is to say, or do, nothing at all.
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This isn’t all a “boy” thing — a lot of it is a me thing. I have internalized many of the sentiments that my childhood movies and books shared with me, for better or for worse. I’m glad to know now that boys don’t always go for the blonde with blue eyes and treat people with disrespect. But do they sexualize women unnecessarily and tend to be unaware about the feelings of those around them? I’m still waiting to see if that’s a myth. I hope my generalizations will be proven wrong in time because, for once, being right about something scares me quite a bit.
So, when I think about where I “learned” to be constantly cautious and aware of the way I carry myself, I can only draw a vague connection to the way boys have acted around me and toward me. It has been “boys versus girls” for as long as I remember. Even though coexistence is much easier now, I can’t say this feeling will ever fade. Despite this being a sad reality, I also get a sense of empowerment from knowing that I have won when people didn’t want me to win, been disrespectful when I was supposed to be ladylike, and chosen my battles when people expected me to fight back.
I will say this feeling rarely dawns on me — it is not every day that I am having existential thoughts about my existence as a woman. However, if I were to answer my uncle's question today, I’m still not sure I would have a solid answer. I can’t speak for all women, but I wasn’t “taught” to act or feel this way. I just do, and I know it’s not all in my head.
Lucy Sanders is a senior at Carlmont High School in Belmont. Student News appears in the weekend edition. You can email Student News at news@smdailyjournal.com.
Lucy - you are a talented writer but my question is: what is your point? Are you looking for an excuse? By our nature, men take the lead when faced with particularly physical challenges. That is expected of us and we don't complain. With few exceptions, I don't see women sign up in droves for the military. That is OK too. Just allow us to be gentlemen, open doors for you, and carry heavy loads. All you need to do is let us to go on the swing first as a minor gesture.
Dirk: You didn’t get Lucy’s very clear point? Wow. But you are right, - for a change: Women do not line up in droves to serve in the military, nor do they lie to get out of it, like your idol Trump. Instead, they usually line up to save mankind from extinction, and before then, to get an education so they can contribute to their future families, and set a good example for their kids. – like what both my wife and daughter did, so very successfully. And as far as physical abilities are concerned, - I am proud to admit that I once had a girlfriend who could ski circles around me down the slalom course, - while she was studying for a PhD in math. Perhaps unbeknownst to you, - even some women have it all, even with beauty to top it all off.
Jorg - I will make an exception and will respond. In my opinion Lucy needs better role models in her life. While neither of these two women are my political favorites, both Nancy and Jackie are phenomenal persons who managed to combine womanhood and motherhood with challenging political careers. Both of my daughters-in-law are in the teaching profession, are mothers, have advanced degrees and were either nationally or locally renowned athletes.
Westy makes a troubling point in that she believes that women can be hunted. She is unfortunately right but the vast majority men would never pursue anything unsavory like that. Lucy's LTE serves a worthwhile purpose as it is a reminder for us that some women still feel vulnerable and that needs attention.
Is that really an unknown to you, Dirk, that women ARE vulnerable, for obvious reasons, especially in such an unequal society like this? Very few are armed or otherwise equipped to fight off aggressive men of the gutter variety, who never learned to deal with the opposite sex, or who simply are too intellectually deprived to understand or learn anything, - like your model Trump. Is it also really an unknow to you that rape is rampant in this country, even very young girls being raped by relatives, and now even being denied abortion, no matter how young they are? Is it also an unknown to you that some “men” are so void of charm, like your model Trump, that they believe they must use force on women. Some, like your model Trump, are even so lacking in grace that they even brag about it, like your model Trump, who even bragged about being able to remember 5 simple words, claiming that the psychologists were so impressed by him, while they and the rest of the sane world were laughing at the idiot! Some model, I’d say!
Ms. Sanders, thanks for your column and your experiences. It sounds like the old saying, “the more things change, the more they stay the same” applies here. To wit, the Democrats push to normalize biological men competing against biological women. If we follow that train to its final station then eventually most, if not all, women’s records will be removed from the record books. That’s due to a “boy” thing. As long as we have folks, including biological women, allowing “legalized cheating” to take place, women will be relegated to the shadows. Imagine what happens when girls see this occurring and wonder why they should bother with the majority of sports, because for the most part, they’ll never be able to beat a biological man.
You say you can’t speak for all women because you weren’t “taught” to act or feel this way. Well, unfortunately for you, Democrats are apparently speaking for all women as they attempt to minimize your existence as a woman. And that’s assuming they can define what a “woman” is, because Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Jackson can’t. This negatively affects you the present as well as negatively affects generations to come. Imagine how many women athletes will not be recognized, nor rewarded, for their achievements because a biological man was allowed to legally cheat his way to the top.
Thank you, Lucy, for a well written, thought-provoking article! What you describe is so different from the Nordic countries I came from, where far greater equality reigned even when I was in high school, - and that is very long ago. Even in my own family here, with a son and a daughter, there was no real difference. My daughter ran around with her brother and his friends and became somewhat of a tomboy, climbing trees and playing all kinds of games, which I think gave her a lot of confidence, both for higher education and a successful business life. I do wonder, though, how much the otherwise obvious differences you point out, have to do with religion, which clearly puts women in “their” place, - so very apparent in this society
We absolutely grew up steeped in a sexist (and racist) society. And it can be a bit crazy making when people close to us can't see it. I am a long distance hiker and like many women, I hike solo. You become aware of the difference in perception of solo men hikers to questions about how far are you going and where are you camping because we grow up knowing that we are prone to being hunted in a way that men do not. The ones who do not hunt for victims are sometimes surprised by how their questions can make us uncomfortable. The ones who do want to hurt us or dominate or get something from us can be quite skilled at overriding boundaries. So you go girl. Set your boundaries, live your life to the fullest, and don't listen to anyone who tries to squash you.
A huge part of the problem is that so many American so-called men are afraid of women and don't have the foggiest idea how to handle them, superior in so many ways as women often are. I know what I am talking about, having grown up in a Nordic country with equality in every respect, and am proud to admit I have had girlfriends through the years who were better than me even in math, and one who could beat me down the slalom course! Didn't make me any less because I met someone even better! So, what's the problem with that?
Lucy instinctively stereotypes men, when she could have learned that men and women were created differently. This is from CrossWalk.com
"This isn’t a popular thing to say in today’s culture, but God created man and woman. Gender was a deliberate thing. It is part of who we are and how we are made.
Does that mean that all men act the same? Or all women act the same? No. Does it mean that a little girl that likes playing sports is a boy inside? Does it mean that a little boy that likes to play house is a girl on the inside? Of course not. Toys, games, likes, and dislikes have nothing to do with our gender. God created us to be individuals—but individuals under the parameter of one gender or the other.
Men and women are different but equal. They’re both of equal worth to God. However, women and men approach life in different ways. This is a very good thing. It means that males and females don’t need to compete. They are free to complement one another. Both are necessary and important.
God formed the first man out of dust and a breath of life and gave him the job of caretaker of the garden. But things weren’t perfect. The man was alone, and this wasn’t good. Something was missing.
When the man slept, God took one of his ribs and made a complementary partner for him—a helper and a perfect match—a woman.
The word for “helper” in Genesis 2:18 is “help meet.” Help meet comes from two Hebrew words, “ezer” and “k’enegdo.” Ezer means help but goes deeper than that to mean rescue, save, and be strong for. K’enegdo means in front of or opposite. This means that woman was created to be the mirror image of man—his complement to help him." Lucy, maybe you can help men...
Do you really believe such nonsense, from a made-up story book, cooked up by fantasizing people who didn't know much about reality back then. You are laughable!
Yes Jorg, if you took half as much time as you spend spreading your disdain for Trump, and studied and read the Bible you would probably change your mind. It's an incredible read, with amazingly spot on prophecy and when studied with an open mind, it becomes a dot to dot game that provides life's answers. If you simply dismiss it has fantasy, then your soul will never be open to the truth and you will end up where you deserve to be, 4377. Regardless of how you view the Bible, my correspondence with Lucy, whether my answer came from fantasy or truth, was intended to open her eyes through a non stereotypical lens.
My goodness, - as if I haven't read this made-up story book from cover-to-cover, - convincing me that no intellectual person can read it all with an open mind, without becoming at least an agnostic. Do you really believe all those impossible stories, like Noah's Ark, Adam&Eve, talking bushes etc.? If there really were a "god", she would have been furious for being described as such an evil as in the bible!
In the past I have felt some kind of obligation to try to take you at least half-way seriously. Now I know I shouldn't even try! A completely wasted effort. Thanks for the clarification, you So Uncommon one. Actually, not all that uncommon in this country, so filled with superstition.
Lucy, I'm sorry to hear you are facing some of the same issues that confronted me at Carlmont High School when I went there in the 1960s, Being "just a girl", the they wouldn't let me take chemistry or physics until an exceptional role model emerged - my counsellor at Girls State (a role-playing governmental camp for high-achieving female high school students). In later years, this counsellor became my neighbor and my friend and set an example for me how to face a conquer the roadblocks set in my path by a male-dominated, religion-trained society. My advice is to search out and find a woman you personally admire and respect, get to know her, and help each other up the hill.
I'm saddened that some of the usual suspects feel the need to lambaste a teenager for sharing her most innermost thoughts on items they are experience.
All one had to do in the 1960's and 1970's was attend an all boys school where even those doing the teaching would share with their pupils how inferior 'they' thought the female gender was.
At yet here on this page those regulars feel the need to 'throw-up' on themselves, just so they can once again log on and see themselves in print.
That's ONE beauty of the Hard Copy. You can sit and read this great paper without having to read outrages replies towards well thought out Articles by our younger generation.
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(16) comments
Lucy - you are a talented writer but my question is: what is your point? Are you looking for an excuse? By our nature, men take the lead when faced with particularly physical challenges. That is expected of us and we don't complain. With few exceptions, I don't see women sign up in droves for the military. That is OK too. Just allow us to be gentlemen, open doors for you, and carry heavy loads. All you need to do is let us to go on the swing first as a minor gesture.
Dirk: You didn’t get Lucy’s very clear point? Wow. But you are right, - for a change: Women do not line up in droves to serve in the military, nor do they lie to get out of it, like your idol Trump. Instead, they usually line up to save mankind from extinction, and before then, to get an education so they can contribute to their future families, and set a good example for their kids. – like what both my wife and daughter did, so very successfully. And as far as physical abilities are concerned, - I am proud to admit that I once had a girlfriend who could ski circles around me down the slalom course, - while she was studying for a PhD in math. Perhaps unbeknownst to you, - even some women have it all, even with beauty to top it all off.
Jorg - I will make an exception and will respond. In my opinion Lucy needs better role models in her life. While neither of these two women are my political favorites, both Nancy and Jackie are phenomenal persons who managed to combine womanhood and motherhood with challenging political careers. Both of my daughters-in-law are in the teaching profession, are mothers, have advanced degrees and were either nationally or locally renowned athletes.
Westy makes a troubling point in that she believes that women can be hunted. She is unfortunately right but the vast majority men would never pursue anything unsavory like that. Lucy's LTE serves a worthwhile purpose as it is a reminder for us that some women still feel vulnerable and that needs attention.
Is that really an unknown to you, Dirk, that women ARE vulnerable, for obvious reasons, especially in such an unequal society like this? Very few are armed or otherwise equipped to fight off aggressive men of the gutter variety, who never learned to deal with the opposite sex, or who simply are too intellectually deprived to understand or learn anything, - like your model Trump. Is it also really an unknow to you that rape is rampant in this country, even very young girls being raped by relatives, and now even being denied abortion, no matter how young they are? Is it also an unknown to you that some “men” are so void of charm, like your model Trump, that they believe they must use force on women. Some, like your model Trump, are even so lacking in grace that they even brag about it, like your model Trump, who even bragged about being able to remember 5 simple words, claiming that the psychologists were so impressed by him, while they and the rest of the sane world were laughing at the idiot! Some model, I’d say!
Ms. Sanders, thanks for your column and your experiences. It sounds like the old saying, “the more things change, the more they stay the same” applies here. To wit, the Democrats push to normalize biological men competing against biological women. If we follow that train to its final station then eventually most, if not all, women’s records will be removed from the record books. That’s due to a “boy” thing. As long as we have folks, including biological women, allowing “legalized cheating” to take place, women will be relegated to the shadows. Imagine what happens when girls see this occurring and wonder why they should bother with the majority of sports, because for the most part, they’ll never be able to beat a biological man.
You say you can’t speak for all women because you weren’t “taught” to act or feel this way. Well, unfortunately for you, Democrats are apparently speaking for all women as they attempt to minimize your existence as a woman. And that’s assuming they can define what a “woman” is, because Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Jackson can’t. This negatively affects you the present as well as negatively affects generations to come. Imagine how many women athletes will not be recognized, nor rewarded, for their achievements because a biological man was allowed to legally cheat his way to the top.
Thank you, Lucy, for a well written, thought-provoking article! What you describe is so different from the Nordic countries I came from, where far greater equality reigned even when I was in high school, - and that is very long ago. Even in my own family here, with a son and a daughter, there was no real difference. My daughter ran around with her brother and his friends and became somewhat of a tomboy, climbing trees and playing all kinds of games, which I think gave her a lot of confidence, both for higher education and a successful business life. I do wonder, though, how much the otherwise obvious differences you point out, have to do with religion, which clearly puts women in “their” place, - so very apparent in this society
We absolutely grew up steeped in a sexist (and racist) society. And it can be a bit crazy making when people close to us can't see it. I am a long distance hiker and like many women, I hike solo. You become aware of the difference in perception of solo men hikers to questions about how far are you going and where are you camping because we grow up knowing that we are prone to being hunted in a way that men do not. The ones who do not hunt for victims are sometimes surprised by how their questions can make us uncomfortable. The ones who do want to hurt us or dominate or get something from us can be quite skilled at overriding boundaries. So you go girl. Set your boundaries, live your life to the fullest, and don't listen to anyone who tries to squash you.
A huge part of the problem is that so many American so-called men are afraid of women and don't have the foggiest idea how to handle them, superior in so many ways as women often are. I know what I am talking about, having grown up in a Nordic country with equality in every respect, and am proud to admit I have had girlfriends through the years who were better than me even in math, and one who could beat me down the slalom course! Didn't make me any less because I met someone even better! So, what's the problem with that?
I would recommend everyone listen to the duet that Pavarotti and James Brown did
Lucy instinctively stereotypes men, when she could have learned that men and women were created differently. This is from CrossWalk.com
"This isn’t a popular thing to say in today’s culture, but God created man and woman. Gender was a deliberate thing. It is part of who we are and how we are made.
Does that mean that all men act the same? Or all women act the same? No. Does it mean that a little girl that likes playing sports is a boy inside? Does it mean that a little boy that likes to play house is a girl on the inside? Of course not. Toys, games, likes, and dislikes have nothing to do with our gender. God created us to be individuals—but individuals under the parameter of one gender or the other.
Men and women are different but equal. They’re both of equal worth to God. However, women and men approach life in different ways. This is a very good thing. It means that males and females don’t need to compete. They are free to complement one another. Both are necessary and important.
God formed the first man out of dust and a breath of life and gave him the job of caretaker of the garden. But things weren’t perfect. The man was alone, and this wasn’t good. Something was missing.
When the man slept, God took one of his ribs and made a complementary partner for him—a helper and a perfect match—a woman.
The word for “helper” in Genesis 2:18 is “help meet.” Help meet comes from two Hebrew words, “ezer” and “k’enegdo.” Ezer means help but goes deeper than that to mean rescue, save, and be strong for. K’enegdo means in front of or opposite. This means that woman was created to be the mirror image of man—his complement to help him." Lucy, maybe you can help men...
Do you really believe such nonsense, from a made-up story book, cooked up by fantasizing people who didn't know much about reality back then. You are laughable!
Yes Jorg, if you took half as much time as you spend spreading your disdain for Trump, and studied and read the Bible you would probably change your mind. It's an incredible read, with amazingly spot on prophecy and when studied with an open mind, it becomes a dot to dot game that provides life's answers. If you simply dismiss it has fantasy, then your soul will never be open to the truth and you will end up where you deserve to be, 4377. Regardless of how you view the Bible, my correspondence with Lucy, whether my answer came from fantasy or truth, was intended to open her eyes through a non stereotypical lens.
My goodness, - as if I haven't read this made-up story book from cover-to-cover, - convincing me that no intellectual person can read it all with an open mind, without becoming at least an agnostic. Do you really believe all those impossible stories, like Noah's Ark, Adam&Eve, talking bushes etc.? If there really were a "god", she would have been furious for being described as such an evil as in the bible!
In the past I have felt some kind of obligation to try to take you at least half-way seriously. Now I know I shouldn't even try! A completely wasted effort. Thanks for the clarification, you So Uncommon one. Actually, not all that uncommon in this country, so filled with superstition.
Lucy, I'm sorry to hear you are facing some of the same issues that confronted me at Carlmont High School when I went there in the 1960s, Being "just a girl", the they wouldn't let me take chemistry or physics until an exceptional role model emerged - my counsellor at Girls State (a role-playing governmental camp for high-achieving female high school students). In later years, this counsellor became my neighbor and my friend and set an example for me how to face a conquer the roadblocks set in my path by a male-dominated, religion-trained society. My advice is to search out and find a woman you personally admire and respect, get to know her, and help each other up the hill.
I'm saddened that some of the usual suspects feel the need to lambaste a teenager for sharing her most innermost thoughts on items they are experience.
All one had to do in the 1960's and 1970's was attend an all boys school where even those doing the teaching would share with their pupils how inferior 'they' thought the female gender was.
At yet here on this page those regulars feel the need to 'throw-up' on themselves, just so they can once again log on and see themselves in print.
That's ONE beauty of the Hard Copy. You can sit and read this great paper without having to read outrages replies towards well thought out Articles by our younger generation.
Welcome to the discussion.
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Keep the discussion civilized. Absolutely NO personal attacks or insults directed toward writers, nor others who make comments.
Keep it clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
Don't threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Anyone violating these rules will be issued a warning. After the warning, comment privileges can be revoked.