Coming together?

Whenever we fail to express our feelings (joy, love, hurt, frustration, etc.) in a sincere and inclusive way or listen patiently to other’s concerns, we are keeping ourselves distant from one another. Those who are not able to listen to others with an open mind may be so obsessed with themselves that anyone else’s thoughts don’t even register. Every time we lie (to ourselves or to someone else) we are widening the gap. Whenever we fail to express something honestly, when we use someone else for our own purposes, or when we fail to consider the effects of our actions on others, we are isolating ourselves. We are withdrawing when we use alcohol or other drugs, frantic activity or mindless entertainment as a way of escaping reality.

Consider those who go to great lengths to outdo everyone, clinging to a feeling of superiority that keeps others at a distance. The person who is so obsessed with doing his own thing on his own terms so that he has no interest in connecting with anyone else is usually not bothered that he uses others for his own purposes. Don’t forget the corporate CEO who will do anything to increase profits including taking advantage of employees and skirting the law whenever possible.

We are all aware of politicians who are unduly tied to their benefactors and have little interest in the lives and needs of their constituents except to win their votes so they can continue on their ego trip in Washington. Add those in Congress who refuse to compromise. Don’t forget a president who is so obsessed with himself that he lies and cheats and obviously has no empathy for anyone else. Include the top 1% who cling to their wealth like a security blanket and resist any increase in their taxes that might improve the lives of those less fortunate. 

Let’s not forget those who are so obsessed with such technological phenomena as texting, Facebook, Twitter, etc. that they are often unaware of their surroundings and often become very isolated. Some are so busy with their “social media” that they rarely interact face to face with even their families. As Leonard Pitts Jr. wrote in one of his columns: “We are a people who spend half our days gazing down at screens, and that, I think, has changed us. We’ve become unused to interacting with one another and we’re not very good at it any more. We have, many of us, lost the knack of treating people like people.”

Our cultural stability is becoming more and more threatened by those who are so egocentric, so disconnected from others, so hostile, so lacking in caring and compassion that they have no qualms about taking advantage of others for their own benefit. From the street gang member to the pathologically narcissistic politician, to the overcontrolling or neglectful parent, the results can be similar. Some say that this is the result of the fast pace of today’s world, the state of the economy, the pressure on people to produce, consume and appear successful, and examples set by our out-of-control media. Whatever it is, this can have unexpected consequences, as described by Matthew D. Lieberman in his book, “Social.” “Although adults can survive with unmet social needs for longer than with unmet physical needs, our social bonds are linked to how long we live. Having a poor social network is literally as bad for your health as smoking two packs of cigarettes a day.”

So let’s dedicate Valentine’s Day this year to coming together and communicating in an understanding and more loving way. Let’s value and promote our human potential for generosity and caring instead of accepting selfishness and greed as a “natural” part of our modern society. Let’s remember the wisdom of Erich Fromm who wrote: “The deepest need of man is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his ‘aloneness.’”

On Valentine’s Day, if not sooner, let’s remember those we love with a message from our hearts. 

Since 1984, Dorothy Dimitre has written more than 1,000 columns for various local newspapers. Her email address is gramsd@aceweb.com.