The joys of aging

At first it was almost cute, those questions about whether I actually listened to '80s music during the 1980s and their assumptions they are the first generation to discover flannel, angst and beat poetry. It was less cute when I was asked if I grew up listening to Led Zeppelin and the Beatles, as in the first time around. If only I were younger, I thought. Not to listen to the boy banders that fill their iPods but to get away with strangling them with only a short stint in the California Youth Authority.

The situation only got worse when a correspondent - no teenager herself - detailed for me how she must get bi-weekly facials now because, after all, she is 28. Then came the peering at my pores and the inevitable question about my age. She must have been trying to compute exactly how many facials I'm already in the negative. I sighed and answered. Kind girl that she is - must be a side benefit of all that overpriced facial care - she offered that I looked great ... for my age. God bless that back-handed caveat.

But how to celebrate (or is that stave off?) yet another notch toward oldness? Do I pierce something new or remove what I already have? Tattoo a skull on my forehead? Download a more modern musical ringtone than my current "Eye of the Tiger?" Or, will these attempts merely make me seem older, albeit sad, trying to fit into a mold I've long outgrown?

The answer, I think, is not to embrace feeble attempts at seeming younger. So, I've decided to start lying about my age to make myself older. It's old hat; it used to work for underage drinking and dating. Now, I'll just get a fake identification so that people will be even more astounded at how good I look for my age. I might just be OK for an early foray into adulthood but I bet I'll be a stunner for 60. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll even qualify for some AARP discounts at Sunday brunch.

If I'm even luckier, I might throw family medical history to the wind, and actually make it into my golden years. Just this month, University of Washington scientists announced they genetically engineered mice to live 20 percent longer than normal through increased antioxidant production. No more cataracts, no more heart damage, lessened cell damage, the study said.

The real question is, though, how were the mice's frown lines? Do they look good, or just good for their age?

Michelle Durand's column "Off the Beat" runs every Monday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 104. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.