Phil-in

After decades of Feb. 2 celebrations, some say it is time to ground the groundhog and chuck the woodchuck.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — those fun folks who suggested renaming fish sea kittens and tried to sex up vegetables in a controversial Super Bowl ad — are asking the Groundhog Club to replace Phil with a robotic substitute.

PETA’s stance isn’t surprising; it is in the animal-protection business, after all. The surprise is that it took this long for the advocacy group to slam the early-morning ceremony which it says can be traumatizing.

Anybody who has ever fought with the snooze button or a significant other who tries to wake them in the morning can understand that position. Cuddling up in warm flannel blankets — or some temperature-controlled dwelling — has got to beat facing the paparazzi and being asked to do something as intimate as checking out one’s shadow. How would those people like it if they were prodded from their slumber and told to go stand in front of a mirror while the world watches?

But Phil is a tradition and frankly the trade-off of room and board for a few minutes of work is an indentured servitude arrangement many these days would take.

As if American jobs being outsourced to India wasn’t growing fast enough, one of the last truly American tasks is now in jeopardy? Say it isn’t so. First, Phil. Next, the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.

In its defense, PETA doesn’t wish to do away with the event, just its star attraction. The group suggests a robotic groundhog, maybe something similar to those Sony robotic AIBOs that quickly came and went. The club president is miffed by the idea. He claims to be the only person in the world who speaks "groundhogese” and that a robotic groundhog would not be able to communicate in said language.

This begs two questions: What morning nip does the club president enjoy before talking to the groundhog in its chosen tongue and if an iPhone can teach Spanish why can’t a robotic animal learn some key phrases like spring and winter? After all, he’s texting his prediction this year. You’re telling me a live groundhog can work a cell phone but a robotic imitation can’t master a foreign language?

But it doesn’t matter if a faux-hog can speak groundhogese; the point is that it shouldn’t.

For that matter, neither should any of the other animals vying to replace Phil in the meteorology department.

Take Snohomish Slew, a Washington bullfrog who this weekend is scheduled to offer his prediction as part of the annual GroundFrog Day. Really? A two-pound bullfrog has a crystal ball into the seasons? Very doubtful — about as doubtful as a human being speaking groundhogese. And about as doubtful as the idea die-hard Feb. 2 fans will buy an amphibian as a weather predictor even if scientists point out that spring brings the frogs out of hibernation to breed.

Sometimes tradition trumps science and animal advocacy. Leave the groundhog alone — anything less is just a second-rate Phil-in.

Michelle Durand’s column "Off the Beat” runs every Tuesday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 102. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.