My grandmother’s hands

On Sunday evening, my husband and I had dinner with one of our oldest friends who was struggling with how viscerally she was feeling the pain of what was happening in Ukraine. Her grandparents had escaped the Armenian genocide, becoming refugees and eventually emigrating to America. My father-in-law, a Japanese American, was interned during World War II. My father, an American-Jewish soldier, was stationed at Dachau after the German surrender.

Could the trauma suffered by our great grandparents, grandparents and parents be part of what makes people that I consider my “tribe,” live their lives as progressives or liberals? Could our way of looking at the world be, in fact, partially genetic? And, could equally terrible but different past trauma be a genetic contributor to people who consider themselves conservatives or MAGA fans? Could all that be a clue to how we begin to bridge the divide?

Someone by now is clucking their tongue thinking that there’s nothing genetic about it. Surely generations one, two or three steps away from enslavement, genocide, bombings, imprisonment and torture view the world differently than those whose ancestors didn’t experience similar trauma because they’ve heard the stories of what happened to their parents and grandparents. No. Having escaped or lived through those nightmares, most victims do everything they can to bury the horrors. Instead, they focus on the new country, the new possibilities, while always being on the lookout for the nightmare coming here. The escapees move heaven and earth to protect their children and grandchildren from suffering what they endured, but that trauma, if Resmaa Menakem is correct, has become part of who each of us is, genetically baked in.

Some say that what divides us is empathy versus a lack of empathy. Pain for others versus pain for self. My tribe feels aggrieved when laws make it harder for a woman to get an abortion. Another tribe grieves for the unborn child. My tribe feels rage as we witness mothers and children boarding trains in Ukraine, husbands left behind to fight the Russian invasion. Their hearts feel rage when they see Central Americans desperately trying to cross America’s borders seeking asylum. Our various tribes, in 21st century America, can easily find spaces, echo chambers, where our views are the right views and their views are wrong. Two different people are reading this opinion piece right now and being triggered in different ways.

What if, instead of right and wrong, we accept that pain is pain, anger is anger, fear is fear, and much of our triggers are baked in. And, before demanding that “the other” change, we each look deeply into our own past, our genetic trauma, and get to understand how that influences our responses to the world. Very few people came to America because everything was wonderful wherever they lived before. We are a nation of immigrants, slaves, refugees, survivers of too many wars, whether we got here last year, 50 years ago, or were brought here against our will hundreds of years ago. Let’s take a deep breath, give each other a break, look around and recognize that this nation represents a unique experiment, a melting pot, yes, but a melting that is the result of boiling cauldrons of worldwide trauma, with some scars that are still visible, and too many unseen. Disagree about issues, argue your cause, and truly listen to other sides. And as you do that, see the humanity of the other, the trauma as well as the divine, and let’s begin to heal and love each other into a more perfect union.

Craig Wiesner is the co-owner of Reach And Teach, a book, toy and cultural gift shop on 25th Avenue in San Mateo.