OK, we get it. You simply can’t enough of last year’s long menu of merry morons, marching to their own unique drums or lutes or accordions as the case may be.
Last week’s list of bozo misadventures as outlined in this space proved to be a hit, well, at least a tepid thumbs-up from some of you paying attention. So we are going to serve up another dollop of doofus dandies.
Why resist? Let’s wade right back into the good, the bad and the utterly idiotic. It’s again time:
THIS OBITUARY WAS SOBERING: The death notice for an ex-mayor of East Palo Alto pulled no punches. The blunt obituary stated forthrightly that the fellow had served over two years in a federal prison for influence peddling, mail fraud and tax evasion. On the other hand, the deceased was lauded for his service on the Ravenswood City School District Board of Trustees. Let’s just say his final bio had more than its share of severe ups and downs.
HEY, PAL, GOT A LIGHT?: Earlier this year, a seemingly confused man was spotted at a Redwood City gas station attempting to ignite a gas pump hose with a handy lighter. Police were unable to find the clearly flummoxed individual. And, no, he had not been incinerated beyond recognition. He had simply taken a hike. So forget about those tasteless charcoal briquette jokes. How insensitive.
WHICH LIVES MATTERED MORE?: Early in the spring, an unhappy woman in Palo Alto complained to police that some suburban scoundrel had altered the wording of her yard sign from “Black Lives Matter” to “Asian Lives Matter.” Naturally, she alleged that a grievous hate crime had been committed. Oh, the humanity. Bring in the lawyers. Bring in the TV cameras. Oh, look, here comes Al Sharpton now.
THERE’S A NEW PROPHET AMONG US: Kyrie Irving, a professional basketball player of some stature, got into trouble when he discussed an offensive documentary film. As the controversy over his remarks persisted, he found himself on the defensive. At one point, he declared, “I am a light. I am a beacon of light.” Lo and behold, the new-found Prophet Kyrie had spoken. Who knew?
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DON’T MESS WITH THAT CHEAP WIENER: In the spring, fans of Costco’s $1.50 hot dog, a bargain staple at the big box warehouse, had to deal with a malicious rumor that the inflation-resistant tube steak was going to see its price boosted by a full buck. When officials denied the report, the world settled back on its axis. Whew. But it was a close call. Hold the onions.
ENDURANCE ABOVE AND BEYOND: Again in a sporting vein, a Finnish cross-country skier endured the unspeakable trauma of a frozen male appendage during the Winter Olympic Games in China. The athlete’s frosty member had to be thawed out at the conclusion of the frigid race. He failed to secure a medal for his trouble. Life just isn’t fair.
WHAT DID HAPPY REALLY THINK?: A New York court ruled that a large, leathery resident of the Bronx Zoo, Happy the elephant, was not a human being and thus not entitled to be treated as such. The decision outraged the usual animal rights advocates who argued for her release to a sanctuary. Happy herself was not quoted in the dispute.
DO WHAT I SAY, NOT WHAT I DO: The 2022 world economic summit, intended to address climate change, attracted more than 1,000 fuel-guzzling private jets and their elite, green-conscious occupants to Switzerland. The key agenda item for the wealthy passengers and their lamentable environmental footprint: How to limit carbon emissions.
WHERE ARE MY LEATHERETTE CHAPS?: Visitors to a summertime San Francisco leather fetish and kinky behavior festival had to show proof of vaccination against the dreaded monkeypox if they wanted to be spanked briskly in public. Talk about putting a damper on a little harmless fun. Geez. Where’s my lip ring? And my leatherette chaps?
AN UNDERSTATEMENT FROM THE FEDS: A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a compression fracture in her back when a jetliner made a decidedly rough landing at compact John Wayne Airport in Orange County. In an understated official federal report, the landing was described as being “firm.” Quite.
Email John Horgan at johnhorganmedia@gmail.com.
(1) comment
Mr. Horgan – I love this theme. More please. Thanks for another column we can enjoy just before the New Year. There are some questions that come to mind… Can we assume the ex-mayor of East Palo Alto has no buildings/awards/airports named after him? How, exactly, was the Finnish cross-country skier’s appendage defrosted - Hot Hands warmers or a natural version? For the climate conference, did the emissions created via air conditioning the facilities surpass those of the nasty carbon-spewing jets? I hear attendees were wearing sweaters and coats because it was cold inside.
As for the understatement from the feds, perhaps the reporter is a fan of Monty Python and the Black Knight battle that gave us “’Tis but a scratch.” and “It’s just a flesh wound.” Happy New Year! BTW, perhaps the newly released Festivus report from Senator Rand Paul will provide more grist for your essay-writing mill. Plenty of blatant buffoonery, bone-headed decision making, and utterly idiotic items to choose from. Your next year of columns writes itself, if you opt.
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