How do Americans find a way to unite around the belief that violence is not an acceptable form of disagreement?
Sadly, over the past few years, we have seen no shortage of wrong answers to that question. Failing to find the right answer will lead to an increasingly polarized and dangerous country. I’ve come to believe that the answer might just be summed up quite simply and succinctly in three concepts, but they are harder than we might think to incorporate into our lives.
A 2024 PBS Newshour/NPR poll indicated that 20% of adult Americans believed violence was necessary to get the country “back on track.” This shouldn’t be surprising given the prevalence of news consumed through social media soundbites and delivered by algorithms that reinforce preexisting beliefs. Briefly said, positive news and news that doesn’t fit well with your personal narrative won’t get as many clicks. Whether you believe that the country is in grave danger because liberals are hateful and weak on crime or that President Trump is an authoritarian whose rhetoric incites violence and divides the country, you are going to get news delivered to your phone that reinforces your belief that America is in grave danger.
It’s really easy for folks on both sides of the political aisle to convince themselves that every conservative or every liberal is exemplified by the extremists in both camps. The truth is much messier, but also much more pleasant: it turns out there are many areas on which a majority of Americans agree. A majority of Americans believe that abortion should not be outlawed, that government aid to poor Americans does more good than harm, that the president should follow the Constitution even if it means he can’t get some things done, that health care affordability is a big problem, that every American is entitled to equal protection under the law, and that we should have a free press.
After the murders of Charlie Kirk, Melissa Hortman and John Hoffman, after a senseless school shooting the same day as Kirk’s murder, after a fire-bombing of Gov. Josh Shapiro’s home, after multiple assassination attempts against President Trump, after the killing of two Israeli Embassy employees, the public execution of a health care CEO, and a horrible attack on a peace march for Israeli hostages in Colorado, it feels like we are, understandably, reeling. America is at a crossroads and it is up to us to decide which road we take.
The best path forward, in my mind, involves what I call the “three Ls”: listen, learn and love.
We need to listen. We need to listen to what is said — not what we think is said. We need to listen to what actually happened — not what we think happened or what we want to have happened. And we need to listen carefully to those who disagree with us without letting anger get the better of us. The fastest way to ruin a relationship or enforce someone’s preexisting viewpoint is to make them feel unheard.
We also need to learn. Americans are short on time and energy, but we still need to dedicate ourselves to learning more about policy decisions and more about the relationship between those decisions and outcomes. Before we speak or post, we should be asking ourselves if we have learned enough about a topic to have a truly informed opinion and to share accurate information. If we can’t answer both of those questions in the affirmative, we should proceed with caution.
Finally, we need to move away from hatred and toward love. On his 80th birthday, I asked my father to look back on his life and share the most important thing he’d learned. His answer was as simple as it was profound: “love everyone.” It sounds trite … I know. As a lifelong Catholic, his answer certainly wasn’t surprising, but it did make me think deeply about things over the next several years: How do we find love in our hearts for someone with whom we deeply disagree? How can we expect a transgender person to find love in their heart for someone who tries to invalidate their very existence? How can we expect someone who believes all abortion is murder to find love in their heart for a pro-choice advocate? When I think a leader is taking actions that are harmful to our country, it’s very difficult for me to recognize their humanity, separate their actions from them as a person and find any love in my heart for them. But I know if we’re going to survive as a nation, I, and all of us, have to and I’m recommitting myself to finding a way to do so. I hope you’ll join me.
Charles Stone is the former mayor of Belmont and a partner at the law firm of Goethals & Stone, PC.
(8) comments
Learn seems to contradict listen and implies favoring the elite who can communicate in the so called right way will be heard. If your message is not perfect the opposition will just knit pick a piece of the argument and not hear any of the message.
Listen, learn, love...yes.
The last graf seems to be part of Lenons Imagine. we are learning what it is like to imagine a world without religion.
Thanks for your letter, Mr. Stone, pushing a path towards love. But perhaps it would mean more if you could first get Democrats on board since it is their rhetoric and hatred for Trump more than their love for America that is fueling the violence, including the political assassination of Charlie Kirk. Just in our state, here are two articles from the last few days to provide context:
https://californiaglobe.com/fl/democrat-rep-dave-min-spitefully-claims-kirk-assassin-is-maga/
https://californiaglobe.com/fr/greenberg-san-franciscos-contribution-to-reckless-rhetoric/
And there are many more Democrats continuing to push their hate. When you have Democrats who support criminals and terrorists and who celebrate political assassinations more than the American people and they continue spewing their hate, do you think they’ll want to get on a path towards love? These hateful folks have shown us who they are and we should believe them. And it is for party over Americans.
I wish you good luck in your efforts but remember, it takes two to tango and apparently, so-called Democrat leaders are willing to dance only with other Democrats, and against Americans. BTW, let’s hope Senator Mike Lee’s proposed legislation to restore the original protections of the Smith-Mundt Act is successful.
While I agree that there are crazies and violent people on all sides, the shocking part of the CK assassination has been how many "normie" Democrats have supported, celebrated, rationalized and "whatabouted" the brutal murder of this young father in front of a crowd of thousands and his family.
Case in point: Jordan Grimes, local YIMBY activist and president of Peninsula Young Democrats, just after the shooting posted on Blue Sky "Play Stupid Games Win Stupid Prizes". A commenter said: "Next up: all other MAGAts for the Charlie experience for their bigoted words." https://bsky.app/profile/cafedujord.bsky.social/post/3lyiyi2hfsk2j
Grimes has not removed the post or addressed the vile comments as of today. Neither Peninsula Young Democrats or the San Mateo County Democratic Party have distanced themselves from Grimes. I can only infer that as an outspoken conservative in this county they want me dead.
It seems no one is talking much about how the alleged shooter spent his childhood playing violent video games. Add that into the mix of gun crazy culture, and lonesome alienation, you're bound to see a bad result. Though he didn't deserve to be killed, Charlie Kirk was no MLK. Look up what things he had to say about Black people and women. His messages were old fashioned misogyny and racism, which are still much practiced today.
HFAB, please cite Charlie Kirk’s discussions and debates that promote racism, bigotry, misogyny, or hatred. From listening to his talks since his passing, I’ve instead found someone deeply committed to family values and his faith, who consistently sought to defend the Bible, even when others disagreed. While I don’t agree with everything he said, I admire his courage and the respect he showed toward those he debated. If anything, our hope should be that this kind of respectful dialogue becomes the norm, because we cannot continue on the path we’re on now.
LindaSF - HFAB will just disappear from the scene, like the ones who tried to have a meaningful dialogue with Charlie Kirk and were quickly overwhelmed because of their shallowness. These group thinking types are not used to intellect and corroborated arguments.
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