Lessons learned from San Mateo County

In October 2021, my older sister died of an overdose in San Mateo. On the day of my sister’s viewing, I was in court fighting for custody of her son to stay with our family, the only family he ever knew. The father had only been in his life for a couple of months, had no home and only had family out of state. The same day I ran into County Manager Mike Callagy outside during a coffee break. He recognized my sister’s name through the county death certificates and he offered his condolences. It felt reflective of the support from the San Mateo County community. 

Throughout my time in county politics, government and public life I have often told this story and the lessons I learned from it, whether it was a one-on-one or to a crowd. There was no other moment that made me touch grass and reroot myself.

I spent quite a couple of years up to 2021 running clubs, and organizations, sitting on all manners of commissions, boards, working groups, attending city council and county Board of Supervisor meetings, considering running for a seat or two myself, and more. I’ve schmoozed my way through every elected, business leader, regional figure, nonprofit worker and activist. I was just as likely to work out a deal in suits over a cocktail as I was to march down a street and door-knock for issues. My approach had always been to operate with kindness. I got more done by appreciating people’s whole humanities and lives through genuine interest rather than pressure or throwing elbows. I dare say sometimes it was harder to relate to someone than to pin them down to an objective and their one opinion of the moment. 

Around the time of my sister’s death, I noticed my edges start to harden. I grew a little more cynical and engaged less in normal life conversations. That all reset when the county and Bay Area community I’ve spent my time building came to my family’s support. 

Death with dignity is pretty expensive and it’s what I felt I owed my sister, who had a relatively hard life. What came to me in October 2021 was wide-ranging support from folks across the political and civic spectrum. People I’ve worked with, disagreed with, had been in coalition with, even an ex. Professionals, friends, frenemies and some people I’ve only ever met online. The vast variety of people was a reflection of the varied connections I made. But it was less about the quantity of relationships and more about the quality of the relationships. 

What it reminded me — and what I hope others take away from this — is that underneath it all is that basic human condition. We all live, breathe, eat, sleep, poop, die and experience joy, pain, loss and love. It’s what connects us all and reminds us of our basic humanities. It’s why I’ve always told people stories work better than facts. It’s those experiences that connect us even when we want to hate someone. It showed it’s proof in my years of relationship-building with people, we’re all human underneath our issues.

Have you ever loved someone who had made a mistake? Did you also not get enough sleep last night? Do you also hate making left turns in Burlingame on El Camino? Are we really in a lengthy discussion over sandwich bread from Little Lucca? The Taco Bell in Pacifica is truly iconic, isn’t it? You’ve also had someone close to you die, haven’t you?

As of the writing of this guest perspective, there is still one person in the county who refuses to shake my hand when offered. While I am certain they probably still dislike me, I appreciate their part in supporting my sister’s fundraiser, regardless if they care or not. 

It would be unrealistic to say that it’s easy to be kind all the time and that everyone has their own tolerance level, but we can always be a little better. That’s what San Mateo County has shown me; that empathy, sympathy and kindness go a long way.

Alex Melendrez is an elected San Mateo County Democratic Central Committee Member (till the end of the month), former member of the San Bruno Parks and Recreation Commission and veteran organizer.