If you are cisgender, meaning that the gender identity that was marked on your birth certificate is the gender that you have felt perfectly at home with in your body since, well, birth, good for you. If you are completely heterosexual, meaning that whichever gender it is you identify with since birth, whenever you’ve felt a romantic attraction to another person, that other person has always been someone of a different gender, good for you.
I remember being near puberty and having friends that were delighted to grow those first hairs in new places. My cisgender, straight, male friends also loved talking about which particular girls they found attractive.
While I didn’t much care about hair growing in new places on my body, I was somewhat confused by the constant talk about this girl or that, and when friends started pairing up I felt left out.
As I’ve written in this column before, it wasn’t until High School when I experienced my first same-gender crush that I understood what all the hormonal fuss was about. I chose not to say a word or DO anything about that crush. I just buried it. That was a choice.
At 27, when I finally chose to come out to my family, my sister remembered that she and our cousin had dressed me up like a baby girl and pushed me around the neighborhood in a stroller. She asked me if that could have influenced me becoming gay. I said “YES! My therapist says that was probably the trigger.” I waited a few beats before I told her I was joking.
That cousin’s adoptive mother, by the way, was born intersex, with a combination of male and female genitalia, which doctors didn’t deal with until she couldn’t get pregnant. A small percentage of people are born with some form of intersex traits, causing parents and doctors to sometimes “choose” a gender to assign at birth, including performing surgeries on infants to enforce that “choice.”
Now let’s look at being transgender.
Imagine if, at birth, you were assigned female, yet, during early childhood you always felt like you were really a boy.
Imagine if that first time in school, when the teacher told everyone to line up in one line for boys and one for girls, you were absolutely certain you did NOT belong in the row you’d been assigned.
Imagine being forced to dress in a way that made your skin crawl, that caused pain, that made you feel terrible all day.
Imagine believing that as you approached puberty your body would start to betray you and the pain you’d suffer would be much worse than just wearing the “wrong” clothes.
Imagine finally coming out and telling your parents, and they sought the best professional help, maybe even asked their pastor for advice, and everyone got on board with helping you, using what the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the American Psychiatric Association have found to be the best tools and practices for gender-affirming care, and for the first time in your life, you started to feel right, good, whole.
That’s what it felt like for me to finally accept myself as a gay man and I was able to do that, thanks in large part, to the people who rose up at the Stonewall Inn in 1969. That uprising was led by drag queens and transgender heroes (theyroes) who were tired of being harassed, beaten and arrested.
Two weeks ago, on the day before Valentine’s Day, following orders from the Republican administration, the National Park Service removed the letter “T” from the Stonewall Monument website, in an attempt to erase Transgender people from our history. That, for me and the LGBTQIA+ community and our allies, is unacceptable.
My question for cisgender heterosexuals is this: Why can’t you just choose to celebrate being you and let other people be their best selves too?
Shouldn’t we let adults make their own decisions and let medical and psychological professionals and parents make well-informed decisions about care for their children? I wonder why MAGA folks are focusing so much negative energy on the estimated 1% of Americans who identify as trans, though I know that, given the chance, many would also like to erase the “G” in me.
The mother of a trans young adult whom I’ve known since she was a toddler just sent me a note so I’ll share her ask. Please call Sens. Adam Schiff, Alex Padilla, and Reps. Kevin Mullin and Sam Liccardo and ask them to stand up against the Republican administration’s attacks on trans people.
Thanks to all the DJ readers who have been so supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community and me! Let’s keep the discussion going here in the comments and at craigwiesner.bsky.social.
Craig Wiesner is the co-owner of Reach And Teach, a book, toy and cultural gift shop on San Carlos Avenue in San Carlos.
(8) comments
It strikes me that most of his columns reference a life style or personal decisions that should be held private. Why would the rest of us be interested in Craig's gratuitous description of hair growth where the sun doesn't shine? My observation is that many in his circle are actually trying to be feminine and struggle with the thought that heterosexuals see this a bit differently. Again, that is their personal business but you don't have to convince us that you are suffering or ostracized. Those days are long over, especially in the Bay Area. We are all born with certain physical and psychological attributes and we all have learned to live with those without wearing them on our sleeves.
You didn't understand my comment, or was that perhaps the reason you took the opposite?
Thank you, Craig. I appreciate your strong public stance for trans rights in our community. The haters are loud, but we stand strong together to spread love and acceptance here. Trans care for minors and adults is life-saving. I know from my own experience, and everyone else needs to mind their own business.
And we would like to thank all the teachers, principles, governors, psychiatrists etc.. who have coerced and forced innocent children into transitioning. Since 2016 the amount of transitioning has nearly tripled (per CNN) from 4,552 in 2016 to 13,011 in 2019. Somehow the solution to children's inquisitions, trials and tribulations is for them to be mutilated in the name of care, empathy and compassion. Making one wait until they are 21+ years of age seems like a good idea since children can't make irreversible decisions and no one else should be making these irreversible decisions for them either.
Good morning, Craig
I believe trans folks absolutely deserve the same protections and opportunities afforded to all others described in the Civil Rights Act of 1964. While trans folks were not specifically named in that legislation, they benefit now from the struggles of activists in our collective past. However, MichKosk is correct… medications and surgeries for children that can wreak irreversible harm is savagery. Those children and teens who are searching for who they are should be welcomed at the table… but that cannot be an operating table.
A thoughtful and measured articulation of the struggles facing children and teens is much appreciated. We can commit support and resources to helping them with those struggles without resorting to the extreme measures favored by some current trans activists. Too often, those same activists will respond to those who disagree with them by calling others with a different POV bigots and haters.
I agree with MichKosk… shoehorning biological boys into girls’ sports is wrong. California thumbing its nose at an overwhelming majority of Americans who want to see girls protected should not surprise anyone. It’s entirely consistent with the state’s veto proof legislature gone awry… and we see it played out at our local high schools.
The CIF Central Coast Section president submitted a guest perspective that ridiculed protesters advocating for saving girls sports. He described them as vicious, horrifying, and cowardly. He got it wrong. Those objecting to allowing biological boys to compete against girls were concerned about the fundamental unfairness of allowing bigger, stronger, and faster biological boys into the same sports venues as girls. Such “competition” can also present safety hazards to girls. Ironically, about two and half years earlier that same official, acting as head coach, cancelled a football game that would have seen his team go up against a bigger, stronger, and more experienced opponent. He cancelled that game to protect the safety of his players.
We need to protect girls in sports.
Thanks for your column today, Mr. Wiesner. Many of us are already aware of the difference between L, G, and B vs. T (and a quick search will inform others who are not) and so your attempt to conflate T into L, G, and B won’t work. You do ask a relevant question regarding letting adults make their decisions for them and their children. The answer is yes, allow people to make their own well-informed decisions. The bigger question is whyDems attempt to mandate vaccines that don’t vaccinate? Dems attempting to mandate all electrical? Dems attempting to use racism to address racism? Dems forcing biological females to compete against biological males? It sounds like you should ask your question to fellow Dems, not MAGA folks. BTW, what’s wrong with Making America Great Again? Are you saying you don’t want to make America great again? That’s a rhetorical question. Based on your columns, we have a very good idea on how you’d answer. Have a Trump-tastic day!
Oh Craig, where do I start. First in response to your question, almost no one cares if adults want to "be their best selves" even through mimicking the opposite sex through dress, hormones and surgeries. However one can never actually change sex, and selling the idea that they can to school children will never fly with 80% of the population (of ALL parties, not "far right MAGAs"- see recent NYT survey) In fact many gay people see this as a form of conversion therapy- "transing the gay away".
Your comments about so-called "gender affirming care" are misinformed. Many countries in Europe are banning puberty blockers, hormones and surgeries for minors because there is little to no science to show these irreversible, sterilizing procedures help at all with gender dysphoria. (See Cass Report.) In fact, recent studies have shown that the suicide rate actually goes up after "transition".
You seem to have a blind spot when it comes to actual women. I could introduce you to several lesbians who deal regularly with men claiming to be women invading their dating apps and spaces and they are called bigots for objecting. We know already based on past columns that you care nothing for the girls who have lost on on team spots, playing time and awards because of gender confused boys in their sports. And, most horrifyingly, in California, a male prisoner simply has to say he is a woman to be housed with female prisoners. Many of these men are sex offenders, and women have been raped and even impregnated in California prison cells- state sanctioned rape camps. Perhaps call your state legislators about reversing this Scott Wiener abomination.
You also misunderstand "intersex" (technically a disorder of sexual development) as everyone has a sex - male or female- and genetic anomalies are not a third sex; and are revisionist about Stonewall history - historical accounts indicate that the vast majority of those involved were gay men and lesbians who were resisting police harassment, not "transgender" people.
No one cares that you are gay, Craig, and no one wants to "erase" you. But until the Democrats stop dying on the hill of gender ideology they will keep losing elections.
That’s an honest article I’m sure will feel very uplifting and encouraging for many, Craig! Why on Earth can’t we just accept each other for what we are, from one extreme to the opposite, and everything in-between, - as nature made us, as long as we are nice, considerate of others, and helpful for those in need? My family has close, gay friends in our circle, - just as nice and considerate as the rest, if not even more so. What’s the big deal? If anything, the problem is with those who can’t accept people different from themselves, while they gladly embrace the most inconsiderate troublemakers around. THEY are the problem, - not someone who happens to be gay!
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