A wee complaint

At least, don’t forget the cash if European budget airline carrier Ryanair follows through on last week’s cost-savings suggestion to charge passengers for using the bathroom. For those who forget the change but double up on the drink coupons, the "pay as you go” approach may simply inspire new uses for air sickness bags and the ever-present Sky Mall catalogues.

Ryanair has reportedly lowered its bottom line historically through added amenities, so a coin slot on the bathroom door shouldn’t be so distasteful. But even in these less-than flush times, the notion of economic relief through gastrointestinal relief rubs most folks the wrong way.

Many airline amenities have already gone to pot. In-flight movies and cocktails were never a given but now there are fewer and fewer free sodas, pillows, blankets and honey-roasted peanuts. And luggage? Better not bring anything bigger than a handbag unless you want to either pay a fee or fight for precious overhead cargo space with everybody else trying to avoid checking suitcases.

If Ryanair goes forward with paid restrooms, don’t be surprised to see toilet paper machines doling out specific numbers of squares (extra tissue for a quarter, of course) or limited pumps of hand soap.

And why stop there in the name of a dollar or two? With all the fluffy frills gone, airlines will turn to even more basic offerings. Want the plane to actually taxi up to the terminal? Gonna cost you. Think a flotation and oxygen mask will help alleviate fears of flying or the off chance you actually need them? Get ready to pony up a pretty penny.

What if instead the airlines pro-rated the chances of actually landing in one piece? Pilots who do more than flip the autopilot switch are more valuable than say captains still wet behind the ears, as are aircraft that haven’t had their engines fail in any recent memory.

Want to take a gamble on a Turkish airline headed to Amsterdam — a steal. Looking for Sully of the Hudson River miracle fame at the helm? Now that is going to cost you a little more.

Why stop there? An attractive flight attendant will cost you, as will an advanced skill level and ability to keep a drink glass filled. Speaking of drinks, the number of restroom coupons should be directly proportionate to how many beverages you buy. And if by some chance you need to hit the head more than you’re allotment, then you are liable for overages. The cell phone companies were obviously onto something.

Just as Ryanair suggests not every passenger uses the restroom and is therefore entitled to a cheaper fare, not every customer necessarily requires a crew with the ability to survive extraordinary situations or well-tested emergency exit slide.

C’mon, Ryanair, let’s give budget a whole new name.

Just remember that everybody has a breaking point and the wee fee may be it. Cost-savings is important, and Ryanair should not be knocked for trying to be number one in that arena. But, in trying to improve ticket prices, airlines shouldn’t treat customers like number two.

Michelle Durand’s column "Off the Beat” runs every Tuesday and Thursday. She can be reached by

e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 102. What do you think of this

column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.