Love is for the birds

The only local story making a dent in coverage of all things Michael Jackson nationally is the Dynasty meets Wild Kingdom drama of Harry, Pepper and Linda. This trio of penguins is embroiled in sexual flip-flop breakup of epic proportion that have same-sex activists worried about zoo officials trying to mandate a hetero-only policy, defense of marriage folks arguing that even the most of sinful of animals can be converted back with the love of God and a good female, relationship experts ready to give advice about whether a penguin waddling back to heterosexuality is still gay or merely hard up and is giving the world something to fret over not involving the budget, the Supreme Court or anybody called Blanket.

For those who’ve been in the news equivalent of the South Pole as of late, the tawdry tale goes like this: Harry and Pepper have been living for six years on Penguin Island, taking their teenage bro-mance to the next step on Penguin Island (Don’t say only in San Francisco. Same-sex penguins have also been documented in Germany, Japan, Scotland and New York).

The happy couple were just like the heterosexual penguin couples, building a home, arranging each other’s feathers, raising a surrogate chick. The chick is actually the best and biggest, according to zoo officials — disproving the notion a wee one needs a mommy and a daddy penguin. Their nest was probably the best too, the grass tastefully arranged with modern sensibility and just the right touch of pizzazz. Life would have continued as boring, blissfully normal as that until Fig died, widowing his much younger mate, Linda. Rather than just offer a wing to cry on and a casserole, Harry went next door and shacked up with Linda just in time for mating season. Pepper was initially dismayed and had a violent confrontation with Harry. Sadly, Penguin Cheaters was not on hand to tape it. Reports now say the trio is living near each other and all is going swimmingly despite Pepper’s newly single status and upcoming molting season.

If Pepper’s smart, he won’t mope for too long while wondering if Harry was just experimenting or if he’s now seeking respectability. Instead, he’ll march to the nearest dance club with some glow sticks tucked under his flippers, throw a profile on Craigslist and be glad there wasn’t some pesky legal burden like divorce standing between his former union and starting a new life. He’ll ask the other bachelors if they have friends and maybe even invite one or two over for a nightcap in the nest. The pair can enjoy a nice fish together and talk smack about Linda, who is obviously a bird of ill-repute and deserves a good beak-smacking.

Reports say Linda is no wide-eyed chicky, having left her long-term partner and shacking up with the much older Fig shortly after his partner died. Once Fig died, she wasted no time welcoming Harry over for a little TLC. Obviously, Linda is a gold-digging, nest-wrecking vixen. She probably killed off Fig after milking him for his assets and she likely only wants Harry for the lovely nest he built with Pepper. Somebody should get that girl a reality show to pick the next victim, er, partner. Perhaps, The Penguinette.

All the brouhaha over the penguin drama makes one wonder what kind of romantic entanglements and family turmoil lurks underneath the fur and feathers of other creatures. Is the squirrel perpetually in the tree outside the office window contemplating a fatal plunge because he lost his life’s fortune in nuts during the recent economic downturn? Are the hummingbirds further down the parking lot gossiping about who’s been binge-feeding? Are the raccoons only stealing from garbage cans to appease the insatiable desires of their loved ones back home or feeding some sort of quasi-illegal trash habit that just can’t be kicked? How many cats and dogs have taken turns through Jerry Springer and Maury Povich to prove paternity? And for that matter — rabbits. Enough said.

The worst, though, are probably the mountain lions that keep popping up on the radar. Not only do these critters not have the decency to stop teasing the silly humans with their games of cat-and-mouse, it is quite obvious they have nothing on their minds but bedding down younger boy-toy kittens to stave off mid-life crises. After all, they are also known as cougars?

Michelle Durand’s column "Off the Beat” runs every Tuesday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 102. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.