Crimes of fashion

In Virginia, opponents argued the law not only targeted youths but specifically African-American children. Maybe it's different in that state. In California, sloppy pants inspired by gangster rap and music videos isn't limited to one ethnicity. If it were, the next East Palo Alto police officers indicted for excessive beating might claim the victim was resisting arrest on charges of ill-fitting jeans.

The trend of wearing pants slouched down around a boy's knees or barely clearing a young girl's hips is ridiculous. You can't walk or sit properly, you're more likely to trip and most people who try are those who really should be covering up rather than showing off. The true fashion crime is not the pants so much as the love handles they don't conceal. Add in a wifebeater tank or a belly shirt and there are real problems.

But the point is fashion may be shocking or unattractive but that doesn't make it criminal. Sure, nobody wants to check out somebody else's underwear unless they are thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalog or a Calvin Klein ad.

Being faced with an unsolicited thong or an unexpected flash of boxer isn't always the best way to start off the morning while getting your coffee or counting down the seconds at a stoplight.

It's not imperative to know that a co-worker or person at the corner bus stop has a penchant for purple lace or neon Disney cartoon characters.

The real crimes against fashion sense go beyond low-rise pants. There are Ugg boots worn with shorts in the middle of winter. Skirts so short belts seem conservative. Safety orange is always a difficult thing to pull off. Holiday sweaters full of smiling reindeer and jolly elves. Socks that play music. High-heeled sneakers. The resurgence of acid-washed denim and leg warmers. T-shirts worn inside out and backward. Assemble a multi-agency task force. These aesthetic atrocities must be stopped.

If lawmakers start telling us what to wear, though, where does it end? Soon, we'll all be in twin sets and oxford shirts. My closet is so full of black I could often pass for a mime. Will a lack of color also one day be illegal? Will there be a quota of how many blue turtlenecks and pairs of penny loafers each person must own? We live in an era of wardrobe malfunctions, tiny bikinis and middle-aged actors baring all on network television. If Big Brother is going to be in my closet he better be organizing my sweaters.

My red snakeskin shoes or seafoam green scarf might be hideous - or they might be the latest hot accessory. That's for me and my purloined copy of Vogue to decide, not somebody who should be keeping the streets safe and homes secure from real societal problems.

And, when some day I'm cited for mixing brown with black, or dots with stripes, or, heaven forbid, wearing white after Labor Day I already have my defense ready. Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. I'll claim it was committed in the heat of fashion.

Michelle Durand's column "Off the Beat" runs every Monday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 104. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.