‘Protect your peace’ during the holidays

Though you might not be able to control a flagrant comment from an inebriated uncle, what you can control is your response and how you carry yourself in these instances, said Dr. Helen Marlo, a licensed clinical psychologist and dean of the School of Psychology at Notre Dame de Namur University in Belmont. 

Her advice — have an internal rule on what you’re committed to, whether it be minimizing harm or refraining from heated debates. 

“You don’t need to persuade, convince or argue,” Marlo said. “If you notice you’re feeling pulled to do any of these things, that can be a signal inside of you that you need to take a break from that conversation.” 

In her practice, Marlo said she’s noticed that some people are facing feelings of grief and loss. With the holiday season underway, people are feeling angry and a sense of loss over family members who hold polarized opposing views, she said. 

“Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to really see another person and understand their limits and who they are,” Marlo said. 

Trying to convince someone or defending one’s own position is often not effective with someone who has a particularly polarized view, and preserving a relationship might be more worthwhile, she said. 

“I see so many people try to have a dialogue with someone who is just not ready now and might never be ready for the dialogue and we end up harming that relationship more,” Marlo said. 

These suggestions aren’t meant to deny conflict or “sweep something under the rug,” Marlo said, but often the holidays are not the ideal time to try and address or resolve an area of tension. 

Marlo said the point is not to avoid these topics all together, but it might be a good idea to save the conversation for a time when feelings are as raw as they might be now, just a few weeks after a presidential election. 

“I would encourage people to reflect on what experience do you want this Thanksgiving to be, what memory do you want to be part of shaping this Thanksgiving,” Marlo said. “Are your behaviors aligned with the experience and memory you desire?” 

Leaning into the holiday’s essence — while possibly cliche and a little on the nose — can help sustain your mental health as you navigate family reunions and small talk. Considering what you’re grateful for in those around you helps dilute any frustrations or anger you may feel this Thanksgiving, Marlo said. 

“Sometimes even things like humor or distractions, old family movies with good memories, things like that, is a better route to go,” Marlo said.