'Freedom fries' is food for thought on American silliness

But now it's going a little too far. The Congressional House -- yes, that group of elected grown-ups who are supposed to be working hard for their constituents' best interests -- has declared that the word "French" be banned from their cafeteria menu. French fries have become freedom fries. French toast has become freedom toast. I dare you when you go out to brunch this Sunday and try ordering either of those with a straight face.

Thankfully, most of us eat our fries with ketchup but I bet the French's mustard people must be scrambling to do some spin control as we speak.

The House is not alone. Their decision comes after a restaurant in North Carolina made a similar move and servers are happily dishing out sides of freedom fries with their burgers.

But I hope our fine congresspeople don't think the French are going to come begging forgiveness, pleading with us not to move next to the dressing and bread. The move may only confirm to the majority of the world that we are the cultureless, reactionary dolts that they already think we are. Rather than address the reasons why France is not automatically falling in line with us, the House reacts like miffed children by eliminating a term that the French didn't even originate.

Most food reference manuals say that fries weren't created by the French. Instead, Belgium is to blame (And can I just mention I'm glad they're still on our good side? I'd hate to give up their chocolate and waffles). The "French" actually refers to the method of cutting the potatoes into thin strips, similar to French-cut green beans.

That being said, I also doubt the French are ready to hurl croissants at us because why in the world do they want to associate themselves with the epitome of American junk food?

Americans are estimated to each eat more than 16 pounds of french fries every year, or roughly two million tons. That's a lot of freedom. McDonald's uses about 7 percent of United States' grown potatoes for its fries and sells more than one-third of all fries sold in U.S. restaurants annually. Considering the recent brouhaha about the oil they fry them in, I can see why the French aren't crying not to be linked with the food. But in case they are, maybe American cooks can start dying the potatoes red, white and blue to hammer home our patriotism.

The House's decision is merely symbolic that France should repay us for liberating them from the Nazis. But if we want symbolism we'd be better off dismantling the Statue of Liberty and shipping that fair lady back from where she came. Either case accomplishes the same thing: it shows that we have little respect for the times France has been our staunchest ally, particularly when we were mere colonies. That's a move we have never done despite the ongoing love-hate relationship we seem to have with our Gallic pals.

So instead, we take what some will perceive as an extremely American approach, abolishing a word rather than abolishing doubts that the French may be on the right track. But I tend to think we can super-size our freedom in a more practical manner by focusing on the inspections and rationale for going to war. Tossing barbs at those who aren't our allies in this effort doesn't help us, it just wastes our time for nothing more than propaganda. I'd much rather think of our elected officials pondering the reality of war than the silliness of symbolism.

But this is not the first time the United States has shown its displeasure through by re-christening food. The United States has a history of stomping its foot and changing names during war prior to this. During World War I, sauerkraut became liberty cabbage, frankfurters received the moniker hot dogs and hamburger was renamed Salisbury steak. With Germany currently exercising caution before embracing the U.S.'s rush to war, those changes might make a comeback.

I'm just hoping Turkey stays our friend because I'd hate to see how creative Americans handle Thanksgiving dinner if they don't. If America doesn't garner more allies, we may be kissing off a lot of our favorite foods -- but done, of course, with a freedom kiss.

Michelle Durand's column "Off the Beat" runs every Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 104. What do you think of this story? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.<