Alter Eggo

You guessed it — there is a national Eggo waffle shortage.

Stop the presses and stop worrying about the state budget crisis, health care reform, Afghanistan and the New Moon premiere. Kellogg says there will be a nationwide shortage of the frozen waffles until next summer and time is a-wasting. The company’s Atlanta plant was shut down by a storm in September, the largest bakery in Tennessee is closed indefinitely for repairs and apparently the other two plants — including one in San Jose — can’t keep up. A company spokesman said nationwide shelves will not be stocked back to "pre-shutdown levels” until the middle of 2010 even an around-the-clock effort is made to fix this carbohydrate catastrophe.

Nothing like making a waffle shortage sound akin to a nuclear meltdown to prime the taste buds.

As news broke, havoc began playing out. Laments filled Eggo’s Facebook page. Nostalgia drew out stories of antsy children watching for the exact moment the waffle flew out of the toaster and half-toasty adults choosing them as their midnight snack. Suddenly, even those who favor pancakes over waffles felt an urge to indulge if only because they will likely be a rare commodity.

It is just a matter of time until the emergency rooms are filled with novice cooks, baring burnt palms and fingers twisted into mixing beaters while trying to actually make a waffle. Law enforcement will also be swamped, filling out reports of stolen Eggo stashes and counterfeit products sold on street corners by black market dealers who don’t think people can tell the difference between the Safeway homestyle buttermilk waffle and the real thing.

At some point, the government will step in, establishing rations and monitoring so that certain Congressional districts do not receive a disproportionate share. And what if China and Mexico begin importing their own knock-off versions of Eggos to compete with other American brands on the market? Better start establishing a department now to ensure they meet safety standards.

How to pay for all of this new oversight and regulation? Obviously a tax — actually, soft-pedal it as a fee. Isn’t that how government likes to fix most problems? As for those who say politics and breakfast don’t mix, please. We all know how some officials like to waffle.

At some point, though, the effort needs to turn away from the knee-jerk paranoia of how to survive the next seven months waffle-free — Leggo the Eggo, if you will — and focus on what sinister set of circumstances or evil-minded group brought our grand nation to its knees through its love of all things pre-made and easily re-heated.

The first suspects, of course, are the Belgians. But that is likely too easy.

More likely, the blame is with those with something more substantial to gain. Anybody talk to Toaster Strudel folks yet? What about Pop Tarts — does anybody even eat those anymore? The sudden death of frozen waffles might just be a plan by the other toaster-based breakfast products to reclaim the market.

Sure, it is diabolical and petty, unthinkable and ridiculous, odd and deliciously evil.

But in a time when Kellogg’s announcement received the kind of publicity other pressing matters can only dream about, it could very well be the waffle truth.

Michelle Durand’s column "Off the Beat” runs every Tuesday and Thursday. She can be reached by e-mail: michelle@smdailyjournal.com or by phone: (650) 344-5200 ext. 102. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: letters@smdailyjournal.com.